Rot In Hell, Harvey | Full Frontal on TBS

Rot In Hell, Harvey | Full Frontal on TBS


Since you’re probably working from home, which means watching videos on YouTube, I wanted to give you a little piece of good news. This just in to CNN. 23 years. 23 years in prison. That is the sentence that has been handed down for Harvey Weinstein. God, I wish I could high-five someone right now, but we’re out
of hand sanitizer. After all the months of victim-blaming by his crack legal team of women who hate women and his entourage of old timey strongmen, one rapist down, too many more to go. Rot in hell, Harvey.

Coronavirus is Not an Excuse to Be Racist | Full Frontal on TBS

Coronavirus is Not an Excuse to Be Racist | Full Frontal on TBS


Tonight, we are going on a weird, wild journey
together, because due to the increasing threat of the coronavirus, we wanted to do the responsible
thing and not have an audience. Okay, we have some people, but they work for
us, and they’re sitting six feet apart as recommended by the CDC. And also because they hate each other. We considered using a laugh track tonight,
but unfortunately the only sound cues we had on hand were the woos from Saved By the Bell
when Zach Morris kissed Kelly Kapowski. We won’t have audience laughter, but we might have my laughter because my writers have added some jokes that I haven’t seen before. Starting now.
I’m Samantha Bee and I am responsible for twenty unsolved murders along the Florida
panhandle— Goddamnit, guys.
I told you that in confidence. Okay fine, the world is ending,
but let’s pretend we’re still gonna have an actual election in November. Who [BLEEP] knows!
Last night, six states voted in the Democratic primary. It was a big night for Joe Biden,
and a weird night for CNN. Bernie Sanders…
Not not not happening right now. Joe Biden Joe Biden is the winner of the Mississippi
primary. Joe Biden carries Mississippi. There we have it right. Ah. Right there. You can
see it. Maybe you can’t see it. Just [BLEEP] make a decision, Deep State! Looks like the crew from CNN is already working
from home. And I don’t blame them. With more than 100,000 cases of coronavirus
worldwide, many leaders are taking extreme but necessary
precautions. Schools in China have been closed for over
a month, Italy is on lockdown, and the governor of New York has ordered a containment zone
in Westchester county, where the state national guard is being deployed
to clean schools and deliver food. It sounds scary, but also like the opening
scene of a very topical porn. It’s where I get all my news. Meanwhile, our president is bravely… denying
anything is wrong. No, I’m not concerned at all. No, I’m not.
We’ve done a great job with it. We’re prepared and we’re doing a great job
with it. It will go away. Just stay calm, it will go
away. Be calm. It’s really working out and a lot
of good things are gonna happen. Anybody that needs a test gets a test. They’re
there. They have the tests. And the tests are beautiful. Rest assured, America: these tests are so
hot, you’ll wanna get them pregnant. That’s not true.
I wish I could knock up a test right now. But there aren’t any.
To date, the U.S. has tested fewer than 5,000 people for COVID-19, which is far behind other
developed countries. The White House is completely mishandling
this very real, very scary pandemic. Last week, the White House overturned the
CDC’s recommendation for seniors to avoid taking flights—a recommendation that would
have benefited a lot of senior citizens, except for my dad, who was this close to making it
into the mile high club. You’ll get there one day, Pops. You’re my hero.
But at least conservatives are… Oh my god. My dad’s gonna die. But at least conservatives are following the president’s terrifying spread of misinformation. And it is this virus which is caused by the Chinese, this Wuhan virus.
The Chinese coronavirus really is Chinese. China did this to the world.
The most encouraging thing is happening out of China who started this whole thing.
Yeah, exactly. The whole thing’s to show that their measures
at containing it have actually worked. Even though they started it and have yet to
apologize. China, we know it’s not your bad, but could
you please send Brian Kilmeade an Edible Arrangement so he’ll shut the [BLEEP] up? Tying coronavirus to China and Chinese people isn’t just a racist dog whistle.
It’s a whole racist orchestra. It’s a mighty mighty racist bosstone.
Which brings me to this important point: the coronavirus is not an excuse to be racist!
I know, I know. Racism is like America’s weighted blanket.
When everything is stressful, nothing makes us feel more secure than treating other people
like trash. At Columbia University, some dillhole wrote
on a blackboard that the library was a “Wuhan virus isolation area.” In Utah, the Shen Yun dance troupe was the victim of a rumor claiming they were carrying
the virus. That’s obviously not true. But if they were, they would carry it beautifully. Good woo! And at a Washington Costco, a worker handing out free samples told an eight-year-old boy
wearing a mask to get away from her because she thought he’d give her the coronavirus.
Are you kidding me? That tray of room-temperature ham samples
probably already has every other disease imaginable after sitting there getting groped by customers
all day. If anything, a little coronavirus might kill
the listeria. Oh right, we also have the sound cue from
growing pains when Boner’s parents kicked him out of the house. Guys, that sucks. Boner died. Sorry. I’m not even laughing. Across the country, fear of the disease is
taking a toll on Asian American-owned businesses. How has coronavirus impacted your business?
Tremendous. Lam says he’s lost 1.5 million dollars and
business is down around 50%. What do you think the reason is? The coronavirus, which is a scare to get infected by Chinese people. Holy shit. That is so stupid. Avoiding Chinese restaurants because you think
every Chinese person has coronavirus? That’s like not going to Ikea because you
think all Swedish people want to burn you alive in a bear suit. Which they do. The media’s use of stereotype-enforcing images can be just as damaging.
Major news outlets have repeatedly misused photos of Asian faces in masks to illustrate
stories about coronavirus, regardless of who or what the story is about.
That’s lazy. Especially because if they dug a little deeper
they’d see that there are dozens of photos of me on Getty wearing face masks that they
could be using. I don’t wear them because they’re effective.
I wear them because I like to try on new chins. Across the country, Asian Americans have been
the victims of racist attacks. In Los Angeles county, a sixteen-year-old
boy was beaten up so badly at school, he had to go to the hospital. In New York, a subway rider verbally harassed and sprayed Febreze on a man he believed to
be Asian. What the [BLEEP]?
The only person you should be afraid of in that situation is the guy who keeps Febreze
on him at all times. Whatever that Febreze is usually for, it is very bad. Businesses are also using fears of coronavirus
to deny service to Asian customers. This week in Plymouth, Indiana, this person
at this Super 8 denied a room to the two Hmong men filming this video. If you’re from China, I need to know. Because of the coronavirus going around. And
anyone from China, I am told, has to be picked up and quarantined for two weeks.
Wyndham hotels, who franchises Super 8, said they’re deeply troubled, and there’s no corporate
policy denying rooms to guests who are Chinese. No one should feel scared to stay there because
they’re Asian. They should feel scared to stay there because
they will probably be eaten out the ass by bed bugs. These aren’t rare, isolated incidents. They’re ubiquitous, dangerous, and so pervasive,
they’ve prompted a CDC official to warn that being Asian is not a risk factor for coronavirus.
Unfortunately, the CDC then had to declare that being Asian is a risk factor for getting
assaulted by racists. COVID-19 is scary, and it’s made even scarier
because our government is mishandling this crisis and conservative media is using Asian
people as scapegoats. The Trump administration is not going to save us. We have to take care of each other. It’s not okay to mistreat people out of fear and panic.
Especially when we’re doing so many other stupid things out of fear and panic. I have spent the last week stockpiling beans and making my own hand sanitizer out of bleach
and lube. Asterisk asterisk. Do not do that.

Don’t Mess With Texas: The Lone Star State’s Tussle with Trump’s Border Wall | Full Frontal on TBS

Don’t Mess With Texas: The Lone Star State’s Tussle with Trump’s Border Wall | Full Frontal on TBS


Welcome to the peaceful Rio Grande valley, located on the tip of Texas’s pendulous dong. Home to quiet border communities, pristine natural beauty, and a good ol’ fashioned Texas shit show! Where Trump’s diverting billions of
dollars from the military to build a 30-foot wall, crushin’ critters and grabbin’ private
property along the way! Yeehaw! Alright, let’s just get to it. Mexico is not paying for it,
but the wall is happening. This is ACLU lawyer David Donatti, whom I met in a wall with a giant hole in it. Look, it’s a freakin’ metaphor, people! Priority number one is construction
in the Rio Grande Valley. But in Texas, the vast majority of our border
lands is owned by private citizens. So Congress has empowered the administration
to do something called a quick take where they take the land,
they build the wall, and they can figure out just compensation later. That’s right, with a quick take— they just take your land, then tell you what they’ll pay for it. So how are Texans taking to government
workers showing up and saying their land’s being
quick tookened? Texas law gives me the right to shoot these people. This is Nayda Alvarez, peaceful border resident, spirited driver, and wannabee Banksy. So how did you end up graffitiing your own roof? You know, after Trump said
we’re building this wall, he comes over to the valley. And I say he’s gonna fly by, and he’s gonna see this. You know he can’t read, right? I just didn’t have a chance to put
my middle finger up there. Just for reference, that would
look something like this. Nayda’s been told that her backyard is
about to get an exciting new addition. The wall’s supposed to go a few feet from us. Just like right here? Yeah. The government has informed
Nayda that her property— which has been in her family for generations— is now condemned. And they’ve sent more than just letters. We had a pervert show up through there. Someone hired by the government. A government pervert? There’s a little camera over there that caught them. Very quickly— Nayda’s camera captured a posse
of trespassing surveyors. One of them spotted the camera
and began a strip-tease, and then… They claim that you threatened to shoot them. I never threatened to shoot anybody. What did you say? I told them I was going to beat
the shit out of them. Oh, okay. Those are two different things! But not everyone can defend
themselves as well as Nayda. That’s because some of them are butterflies. So tell me where we are. You’re at the National Butterfly Center in Mission, Texas. We’re a 100-acre botanical garden planted with host and nectar
plants for butterflies. Butterflies? Surely the Trump administration would want
to protect innocent little butterfl— Actually, no. The government sent contractors here. I found five workmen cutting down our trees. We had no notice. We had given no permission. And I said, you must not understand the three F’s. If you’re not feeding me, fucking me,
and financing me, I don’t listen to you. What if I’m f-interviewing you? You got five minutes. Wow, Texas ladies are tough. So why piss them off? Why take this land to begin with? Because in this part of Texas,
the border is the river, which is made up of a substance
scientists call water. So… What they’re actually doing is they have
to go about a mile inland. And a lot of the United States is actually
going to be behind the border wall. So to wall out foreigners, we just have
to wall out our own citizens. That’s exactly what’s happening. The position of Trump’s wall
will create a no man’s land. In Spanish they call this “tierra de nadie,” or, roughly translated, “we just gave land back to Mexico!” To speed the process, the Trump
administration has ignored dozens of environment regulations. They’re violating the Rivers and Harbors Act, the Clean Water Act, the Solid Waste Disposal Act, the Native American Graves Protection
and Repatriation Act. I’m sorry—they’re building it on
a Native American burial ground? All of this area was once inhabited
by our indigenous peoples, and their remains are throughout the region. On the bright side, it can’t get any worse! I’m kidding. Of course it can! The government’s border wall isn’t the only threat. In November, they started building a private wall
on the banks of the Rio Grande River. A team of Tinder swipe-lefts— yes, that’s Steve Bannon there— raised $20 million on a Go Fund Me, then joined forces with a pro-Trump contractor
to build their own privately funded wall. It’s illegal and stupid to build it
right on the flood plain, so they decided to build it
right on the flood plain. Behold, the private wall! All in here, in this bend in the river, there was hundreds of acres of just
natural riverbank habitat like that. Just wild habitat. Father Roy Snipes is a local priest with
property right next to the private wall. He took me on his boat to
show me what happens when racism meets industrial-
scale arts and crafts. We always thought, well, you couldn’t just bulldoze miles and miles of beautiful riverbank. You couldn’t do that. But they did it. What do you think Jesus would feel about this? That’s a good question. The real moral issue would be demonizing people
who are poor and just struggling to survive. I think you just captured
the entire GOP platform. So, one last question: how will this private wall then connect
to the government wall? Oh, it won’t. It will be a freestanding sculpture. Yep. The private wall will be walled
off by the wall wall, which will also wall off
U.S. territory and citizens, none of whom can really fight back. There’s no invasion. There’s no crisis. It’s just a big shit show that people believe up north. And Nayda would like to confront the emcee
of this shit show, Donald Trump. I would like to see him in the face. I’m telling you, you wouldn’t. I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want to be alone
with me in the same room. Now that I would like to see. I bet you he’d run out like a chicken. I see an incredibly lucrative pay-per-view
opportunity in the future.

Deepest State | Full Frontal with Samantha Bee | TBS

Deepest State | Full Frontal with Samantha Bee | TBS


[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
– Hi. I’m Samantha Bee. Welcome to “Full Frontal.” Ever since voters invited
a bunch of state-smashing, wall-building, America
first, Breitbart afficionados to slither out of their
swamp and run the country for a while, we’ve been
introduced to so much of their subculture’s
fascinating slang, one angry, insomniac rage tweet at a time. This week we learned yet
another cool, new phrase. See if you can spot it. We’ve been warning you about
the deep state, Obama holdover government bureaucrats, who
are hell bent on destroying this president. We’re talking about
the intelligence community deep state. The deep state bureaucracy
and the deep state media. REPORTER: –left-wing
deep state forces. Deep state conspiracy. The deep state
that we talk about– they’re out for blood. The deep state is so deeply
buried in its deep-y deepness, Sean Hannity had to pull it
from the depths of his ass. [LAUGHTER] Just to be clear, that was
the nation’s number one cable “news station,” mainstreaming
one of the far right and far left’s favorite
conspiracy fever dreams straight into our president’s
gullible eye holes. PAUL SPERRY: His main
concern right now is Obama. I mean, the guy set up a
bunker just down the street from the White House. He’s got a mansion. He’s got offices. He’s got the shadow White House,
JUST within two miles of Trump. Obama could spark something on
the order of a civil war here. God, you guys get
so upset every time a black guy moves into
the wrong neighborhood. [LAUGHTER] The deep state is like polio. It exists, just not
in America right now. The deep state, the term,
comes from Turkey and Egypt. It’s from authoritarian
context, and it usually refers to groups that perform
false flag operations, assassinate people. The deep state is an alt-right
term, which is misapplied. It’s a security apparatus
that actually runs the state, and the democracy
is just a fig leaf. Trump is trying to
blame any of his failures on this sort of
shadowy bureaucracy. It’s a very dark
view of what are, effectively, career bureaucrats. Career bureaucrats
who are thrilled to finally have something
interesting to put on their JDate profiles. Turkey and Egypt have
shadowy government assassins. America’s sinister junta
is an insubordinate park ranger tweeting that
climate change is real. Traitor! Purge her! When asked if the White House
really sees this deep state as a threat, Sean
Spicer took a break from slowly disintegrating
before our eyes to share his deep thoughts. I don’t think it should
come as any surprise that there are people that
burrowed into government during eight years of
the last administration and may have believed
in that agenda, and want to continue to seek it. “Burrowed into government.” He wants you to believe
that these rogue, deep state infiltrators are poison-blooded
mole people, and not just bland paper pushers who lucked into
a government job with benefits. But contrary to a President
Trump’s unofficial security briefings, the
federal bureaucracy is not a left wing shadow
government run from the Obamas’ kitchen in Kalorama. Federal employees
are almost evenly split between Republicans
and Democrats. The other 16%, of course,
are area 51 employees, who have different political
parties on their home planet. Wake up, sheeple. If federal employees
are chatting on signal more than usual,
it’s because they’re terrified. Think of them as passengers on
a bus that’s now being driven by a feral, paranoid monkey. They’re not trying to kick
him out of the driver’s seat. They know we chose the
monkey to be the bus driver because Hillary Clinton
used email and was a woman, and they respect that. They’re just trying to
turn the wheel slightly, while the monkey
is masturbating, so we don’t run over a cliff. And frankly, even the monkey
should be in favor of that. By the way, some experts
say that the problem isn’t necessarily that
the state is so deep. It’s that Trump’s talent
pool is so shallow. Well, the cool thing
about the government is, it gives you an option, if
you’re the new administration, for putting your
stamp on the agencies, which is to put your
people in the agencies– to appoint a Secretary,
an Undersecretary, a Deputy Undersecretary. President Trump’s
administration, largely, has not done that. You can’t really blame these
agencies for resisting you, or blame a deep
state, if you haven’t put your own people in to
actually run the agencies, yet. There are, what,
about 2,000 jobs, political appointees, that
have still not been filled. Look, those jobs
will get filled. Just as soon as Mike
Flynn and Rudy Giuliani get busy cranking
out some more sons. Until then, there’s
nobody running the shop. The intelligence agencies are
leaking like Nana’s depends after three pots of
Sanka, and it’s driving team Trump clinically insane. Donald Trump is the victim. His campaign is the victim. His transition
team is the victim. His surrogates are the victim. Yeah. Why can’t a white male
billionaire with an army ever catch a fucking break? [LAUGHTER] Panicked hyperbole aside,
I agree that things are not going awesome. It’s not healthy for
a country’s president and intelligence
apparatus to be fighting like the Real Housewives. But perhaps we should
consider these leaks the phlegm of democracy. [COUGH] They’re a sign that
something is very wrong, yes, but also that your
system is fighting it, just the way it’s supposed to. What’s more troubling
is that the deep state can be whatever the person
in power wants it to be. The deep state is Barack Obama
wire-tapping Trump’s microwave, and it’s the agencies who can’t
find evidence of the tapping. It’s anyone who ruins Donald
Trump’s perfect presidency by sabotaging him in the press. It’s the analysts whose
facts disagree with his. It could even be
the universities that churn out operatives
for the secret state within a state. OK, confession. I, myself, am a
proud alumna of Deep State, where I
majored in Un-American Activities and Spanish. I even lettered in
date rape self-defense. Still got my jacket. Go Fighting Moles! [SHOUTING AND CHEERING] [APPLAUSE] There’s my Deep Staters. There they are. [WHOOPING] What do you say, fellas? We gonna beat Electoral
College this year? [GRUNTING] Clear eyes, dark
arts, can’t lose. We’ll be right back. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING]

Smurferize the Coronavirus | Full Frontal on TBS

Smurferize the Coronavirus | Full Frontal on TBS


Coronavirus has deterred people from meeting in large groups. But in France, more than 3500 gorgeous weirdos defied this and met to break the world record for—you guessed it— history’s largest gathering of Smurfs. We did it! We found the one instance when using French is the opposite of sexy.

Governing Is Hard: Trumpcare Edition | Full Frontal with Samantha Bee | TBS

Governing Is Hard: Trumpcare Edition | Full Frontal with Samantha Bee | TBS


I am Samantha Bee. Thank you so much. My gosh. Welcome to “Full Frontal.” Let’s check in with
the winnings, shall we? Last week was supposed to be
a triumph for Republicans. After seven long years,
our national nightmare of somewhat affordable health
coverage would finally be over. The Republican plan to
repeal Obamacare has failed. President Trump had
given Republicans an ultimatum last night
to vote on the bill today, or he would move
on to other issues. Of course, those
other issues are back issues of Maxim magazine. [LAUGHTER] So I guess Democrats
kind of won? The same way the cops won
that car chase at the end of “Thelma and Louise.” [LAUGHTER] What the hell, it’s
the closest they’ve had to a win in seven years. Kick off those kitten
heels and go wild, Nancy. Let’s all jump in the air. OK. One, two, three. Woo! That’s also the title
of Nancy’s next single. It’s a real club banger. [LAUGHTER] Now that Trumpcare has joined
its similarly misbegotten siblings in a graveyard by
a New Jersey golf course, President Trump wants us to
know how tremendous it was. A lot of people
don’t realize how good our bill was because
they were viewing phase one. But when you add
phase two and you add phase three, which I
think we would have gotten, it became a great bill. I believe that’s known as
the “I’m a grower not a shower” defense. [LAUGHTER] Trump couldn’t sell Obamacare
repeal to a House that voted for it 60 times already? Closing deals is the one
thing President Bigboy Truck was supposed to know how to do. If only he’d paid attention to
Alec Baldwin’s earlier work. Trump had a 50/50
chance of blaming the correct political party,
but he fucked that up, too. We had no Democrat support. We had no votes
from the Democrats. They weren’t gonna
give us a single vote, so it’s a very
difficult thing to do. This really would have
worked out better if we could have had some Democrat support. Yes, and the Atlanta Falcons
would have won the Super Bowl, but they had no support from
the New England Patriots. Look– [CHEERING] Your bill was killed
by friendly fire. One of the biggest obstacles
to getting Trumpcare passed, aside from the
fact that it was pure shit, was the House Freedom Caucus,
30-some-odd ultra-conservative Republicans with the
power to block anything, most notably women
and people of color. [LAUGHTER] The president thought
he could schmooze the budget-cutting bros
with rides on Air Force One, complete with lasagna. [LAUGHTER] Garfield isn’t the only
bloated orange hairball who loves that stuff. The president met with the
Freedom Caucus more than once, talked to individual
members more than once. The president gave
his all in this effort. He did everything
he possibly could. Everything? Are you sure? Did he take the Freedom
Caucus furniture shopping? Did he even Google them? Do you think Donald Trump
knows who he’s talking to here? No. Trump had a meeting
with the Freedom Caucus, and they would ask him all these
questions about policy matters, and he said, forget the little– I can’t say, this is
family television. He said “forget about
the little shit,” which the Freedom Caucus
assumed was Trump’s nickname for Sean Spicer. [LAUGHTER] In the end, the charmer-in-chief
struck out harder than the douchey
guy at the bar who goes up to every girl
in the room asking them, are you a model? Because you should
totally model. You can’t negotiate with the
Freedom Caucus, Mr. President. John Boehner could
have told you that. But he’s busy these days
sipping Merlot on the beach and counting his zero fucks. [LAUGHTER] The Tea Party sent
the Freedom Caucus to Washington with one
mission– to scream no in the president’s face
like the demented offspring of a hyena and a banshee. They didn’t have
a backup program for if you became president. None of us did.
Including you. [LAUGHTER] No one expected a businessman
to completely understand the nuances, the complicated
ins and outs of Washington and its legislative process. We learned a lot about
the vote-getting process. We learned a lot about
some very arcane rules, in obviously both the
Senate and in the House. So it’s been– certainly
for me, it’s been a very interesting experience. Well, hey, when it’s a
matter of life and death for millions of people,
the important thing is that you learned a lot. Good try, buddy. Grab an orange slice and
a participation ribbon. Did anyone else learn something? Anyone else? Oh, god. OK, Paul Ryan,
what did you learn? Doing big things is hard. [LAUGHTER] It’s not their
fault. They spent 17 whole days
trying to reform one sixth of the nation’s economy. And they tried everything– making the bill shorter,
issuing empty threats, moving the bill to
the right and just kind of crossing their fingers
that moderates wouldn’t notice. They even made victory
commercials before the bill even passed,
and forgot to not run them after it didn’t. Thank Congresswoman
Barbara Comstock for keeping her
promise and replacing the Affordable Care Act with the
better health care you deserve. Nailed it. [LAUGHTER] Oh, wait. Shh. [CHEERING] Shh. Do you hear that? When you’re really quiet and
the wind blows just right, you can still hear Paul Ryan
sobbing into his Ayn Rand doll. [LAUGHTER] Oh, Raggedy Ayn despises
your weakness, Paul. Kill your feelings. But at least the stupid repeal
and replace charade is over. After this
morning, the resolve of our conference to repeal
Obamacare and replace it has never been stronger. And I know that
we’re all gonna make a deal on health care. That’s such an easy one. Sure. Go for it, guys. Maybe the movie will end
differently this time. [LAUGHTER] We’ll be right back. [MUSIC PLAYING]

Have Yourself A Merry Super Tuesday! | Full Frontal on TBS

Have Yourself A Merry Super Tuesday! | Full Frontal on TBS


Yesterday was Super Tuesday,
one of the most important nights in the 2020 election. 14 states had their primaries. And it now looks like it’s
a close race between Bernie, Biden, and the
coronavirus, which is projected to infect them all. But don’t worry. There was one candidate who was
focused on helping spread it. [MUSIC PLAYING] Uhhhhh, that’s not
how his campaign wanted him to go viral. Sadly for him and nobody
else, Bloomberg came up really short last night. He also didn’t do
well in the primaries, leading him to drop out
of the race this morning. But at least he didn’t
quit before the “Miami Herald” filmed him
making a reporter regret ever talking to him. [LAUGHTER] She’s like, OK. And then he was
like, no, no, no. In Spanish, we say,
(ACCENTED) oh, hey. As we know, the big
winner of the night was Joe Biden,
who won 10 states. And much of his success
could be attributed to other moderate candidates
dropping out of the race and giving him
their endorsement. Amy Klobuchar laid down
her comb and stapler after throwing them at her
staffers one last time, while Pete Buttigieg gave up
his lifelong dream of becoming America’s first white Obama,
all in the name of coalescing behind a candidate whose fine. By the way, this is my
little sister Valerie, and I’m Jill’s husband. Oh, no, this is Val. Oh, you switched on me. This is my wife. This is my sister. You think that’s bad. The same thing happened
on his wedding night. But at least he got
the Giuliani vote. And while he may not have
won the most delegates, senator and three-time NBA
All-Star Bernie Sanders still made a strong showing,
winning California, Colorado, Utah, and his home
state of Vermont, where he cast his own vote. Look– I’m not supposed
to endorse a candidate. But as a resident
of New York City, I support anyone who
clears a walkway. [CHEERING] Unfortunately for Senator
Elizabeth Warren’s supporters, she did not have a great
Tuesday, winning a grand total of zero states and even
coming in third place in her home state
of Massachusetts, where she also cast her vote. It was great. I really like voting today. REPORTER: For yourself.
– Yes. Wow. The only time I was that excited
to vote for myself was when I was on “Celebrity Love Island.” I was in a thruple with
the Sprouse brothers. Come on. They’re 27. If there’s a Sprouse on
the field, play ball. The only person more excited
to vote than Elizabeth Warren was this girl in Texas. Excuse me– Te-jas. People say they’re willing
to wait as long as it takes. Just before I came on here– –just a few pockets of
places around the state. They may not say. By the way, we
asked our researchers if that woman was doing a
famous dance, and they said– and this is a real quote– “I sent the clip to two tik
tok experts, and they said no. It’s a random collection
of movements.” Got the best team in the biz. Yet as stressful as this week
was for voters and candidates, the media found a way to make
it even worse for themselves. On Monday, Chris
Hayes broadcasted from Universal Studios because
I guess MSNBC is mean to him. Well, California, we’re here
in Universal Studios in Los Angeles on the very same stage,
I learned just a little while ago, a bunch of episodes
of “Murder, She Wrote” were filmed, which is cool. I like that show. Oh, that audience
is going to be a real disappointed
when they realize Chris Hayes isn’t Harry Potter. Elsewhere in California,
MSNBC thirstily awaited Biden’s
arrival at Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles. Mike, start with
describing where you are and what we’re waiting for. Well, Brian, we’re in
Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. The vice president,
as I mentioned before, has already stopped
for ice cream. And so now after dessert,
he’s going to come for dinner-breakfast, I guess. BRIAN WILLIAMS: There he is. And for all the reasons
that you outline– and you have a better vantage
point on him than I do. BRIAN WILLIAMS: It’ll
be the next guy. REPORTER: Here he is. BRIAN WILLIAMS: Right actor. We’ve got a couple more guests. Hang on. RACHEL MADDOW: It could
have been a doppelganger. This is– BRIAN WILLIAMS: That’s true,
but I thought I saw him crossing the street in the background. Good to see you. Quit lying to
me, Brian Williams. Just when America started
to trust you again. With all the chaos in
the Democratic primary, you’d think Fox News would
be having a field day. But even their analysts
had some issues. Brit Hume was up at 5:30
AM to share a screen grab of election odds,
forgetting to close his tab for sexy vixen vinyl. And even weirder, that
page was literally between tabs for
his bank account and the coronavirus,
which, to be fair, was every man’s id this week. My 401k, I’m horny,
I’m going to die. Of course, with states
across the country closing polls at
different times, it was sometimes
hard to predict when results might be coming in. Thankfully, the media had a
subtle way to approach it. BRIAN WILLIAMS: We’re
calling an election alert. [MUSIC PLAYING] We’ve got a key race alert. Coming up on 15 seconds
until the top of the hour. 11 o’clock Eastern
time, important for us because the polls close
local time in five seconds, or thereabouts, in California. This is an election,
not New Year’s Eve. The only thing Super Tuesday
has in common with New Year’s is that they both end in
Anderson Cooper getting drunk on national television. Look– I know that last night’s
primary results were probably disappointing for some of you. And it may seem
now that Democrats are more divided than ever. This primary has become
bigger than the candidates. It’s starting to seem more
like it’s about the very soul of the Democratic Party, a
race between unapologetic, progressive values
and the color beige. But no matter who your
candidate was at the beginning, we all have to come
together in the end. If you’re a Bernie
supporter, and you end up having to vote for
Biden, keep fighting to push the party to the left. If you’re a Biden supporter,
and you end up having to vote for Bernie, I don’t know, man. Enjoy legal weed when it passes,
and chill the [BLEEP] out. Because at the end
of the day, the most important thing to
remember is that we have to defeat Donald Trump. [CHEERING] And the second most important
thing to remember is– and I cannot stress this enough– never invite Michael
Bloomberg to your pizza party.

Health Care Sharing Ministries ARE NOT Health Insurance! | Full Frontal on TBS

Health Care Sharing Ministries ARE NOT Health Insurance! | Full Frontal on TBS


It’s no secret
that America’s health insurance system is broken. If you think about
it too hard, you’ll give yourself a panic attack
that feels like a heart attack, lined up in the ER with a bill
that gives you a real heart attack, get a bigger bill,
decide to fake your death, escape out the window,
accidentally fall into the hospital brambles,
and get a whole other bill to pay for new brambles. Even with insurance, medicine
things sure are expensive. There’s got to be another way! It’s a little known
loophole in the law that authorized Obamacare. No health insurance
but you don’t want to pay the IRS penalty for
not buying health insurance? No problem– if
you’re a Christian, and you join a health
care sharing ministry. Every month, people put money
into a communal medical fund instead of towards
traditional insurance. We’re about 80,000
believers in Christ spread across the
country that simply share in each other’s
medical bills every month. OK, but what do you do if one
month god blows all the money on a wicked new jet ski? Why walk on water, when
you can shred on it? In a health care
sharing ministry, members pay a set
amount every month– usually far less than regular
insurance, with the expectation that the ministry will
cover their medical bills when they need it. But the problem
is they’re totally unregulated, and under no
legal obligation to pay. It’s really up to the
whims of the person reviewing your claims. And you don’t know
if you’re going to get a good Christian,
a bad Christian, or a Sister Christian. Worthless if you’re sick,
but sick as hell at karaoke. Unfortunately, members are
finding out the hard way their care isn’t covered. KIRO 7 has since talked with
a half dozen people, who all thought they were signing up for
health insurance with Aliera, only to have their
claims denied. Denied, denied, denied. 10-year-old Lola Gray
Seegers is healthy, just four months after brain surgery. Doctors removed a
softball-sized brain tumor. But last week came the
bill from their health plan, Aliera companies. $325,624. We had a life
threatening emergency. The Seegers say
Aliera even rejected Lola Gray’s emergency
room bill, saying headaches aren’t an emergency. Oh, [BLEEP] off. Calling a brain
tumor a headache? I’m glad you believe
in hell, because you are definitely going there. [APPLAUSE] Members of health
sharing ministries often have to sign a
Christian lifestyle agreement. For example, Altrua
members must agree to not smoke, do drugs,
get drunk, or have sex outside of marriage. Basically, you need to have
a pre-existing condition called being a nerd. Though for an extra premium,
they do offer an option that allows butt stuff. Since the Affordable
Care Act passed, Christian health
sharing ministries have blown up, enrolling an
estimated million plus people. But many of them
don’t realize it’s not actual insurance,
because it’s often marketed like insurance. They even mimic real plan tiers,
like gold, silver, and bronze, with names like
diamond, emerald, and sapphire–
though they really should be called dog shit. It’s so confusing. Even health care
ministry employees aren’t clear on what they’re selling. Through a public
disclosure request, we got a hold of this training
video, where even the speaker calls their service health
insurance before quickly correcting himself. We’re finally
applying health insu– health care in a market– That was their video! If someone in a Burger
King training film dropped all the Whoppers, Burger
King would not leave that in! We already know we’re
eating floor Whoppers. We don’t need them to say it. Some ministries prey
on members’ generosity by sharing personal stories
from the people who will receive their contribution. Who wouldn’t rather send their
payment to a real person? Real insurance companies
should do that. If Geico sent a bill that
said my payment would pay for that gecko to
get braces, it would be a pleasure to pay
that bill and fix his jacked little teeth. But it’s not entirely clear how
members’ money is being used. In one case, regulators found
that only 20% of contributions went toward members’
medical bills. Not only did some
ministries pay commissions to third party brokers, they
also make some banger ads. I’m getting jerked
around up here, trying to sign up for health care. Have you looked at the
Liberty Health Share? They have programs
starting at $199. No, I haven’t. Didn’t think so. Hope you’re all right. No, Chad, he’s dead. The man is dead, and
you’re just standing there. Ministry members get none
of the protections mandated by the Affordable
Care Act, including coverage for mental
health, birth control, or pre-existing conditions. And their concept of
pre-existing conditions is pretty extreme. When one couple adopted
their first child, they were shocked to discover
that Samaritan, the sharing ministry they paid
into for years, would not cover any
condition an adopted child has prior to being adopted– making adoption a
pre-existing condition. Yeah, I think it’s
time we started blaming the kids for taking
so long to be adopted. Drop those maps, kids. Go find a home. All health care ministries
are risky for their members. But one– Aliera– seems to be an actual scam. A lawsuit filed last month
by the Texas AG on behalf of the Texas
Department of Insurance claims Aliera did not
qualify as a health care sharing ministry in the state. The lawsuit alleges the company
is operating as an insurance company without the right to. What we saw and what
we’re aware of at this time, it’s clearly a scam. Let me repeat that– Aliera didn’t even qualify as
a health care sharing ministry. Even when they were full of
shit, they were full of shit about the shit
they were full of. It’s full of shit inception. We spoke with Sheri Lewis,
a dance teacher in Seattle who signed up for Aliera after
her previous insurance dropped her. When I had signed on, I’d
already had one hip replacement two years before
from a car accident, and I was having
problems with my hip. I was having a lot of pain. So I went to the surgeon. They said you
absolutely need surgery. And we scheduled it. And then they came back
and said we won’t cover it because it’s pre-existing. The cost to have it out of
pocket in the United States was going to be like
$80,000 out of pocket. The only reason someone should
spend $80,000 on hip surgery is if they’re getting a surgical
transplant of Shakira’s hips. Not plastic surgery,
her actual hips. While some states have
taken action against Aliera for particularly
deceptive practices, they can’t regulate other
ministries because they’re not real health insurance. It’s both a catch-22, and
also the worst catfish since that time I thought I
was in an online relationship with Mark Paul Geissler,
but it turned out I was chatting with
Dustin Diamond, and it was after he
stabbed that guy. The philosophy behind
health sharing ministries is a nice one. We should all want
to share resources and help carry each
other’s burdens. It’s certainly the
Christian thing to do. And also, for the record, the
democratic socialist thing to do. If Jesus were around
today, he’d probably be a hot boy for Bernie. [CHEERING] Health care ministries take
advantage of the people who are desperate for help. They’re a scammy offshoot
of a larger problem. Everyone deserves
access to health care, regardless of income. It’s what this hot
boy would have wanted.

Persisting 101 with Elizabeth Warren | June 28, 2017 Act 3 | Full Frontal on TBS

Persisting 101 with Elizabeth Warren | June 28, 2017 Act 3 | Full Frontal on TBS


DONALD TRUMP (ON TV):
They have phony witch hunts going against me. They have everything going– and you know what? SAMANTHA (VOICEOVER): That’s
it, no more bunker funk! I need answers– real answers. Stay focused. Oh my god, no! No. No time for puppies. SAMANTHA (VOICEOVER): I
knew exactly who to talk to. I just gotta get to her! [GRUNTING] Damn it. [PHONE BLEEPING] Metaphor time. [SHATTERING] Ow! Sam? Yeah? You have a glass in your hair. Oh. [RATTLING] Oh, that’s better.
– Good. – Thank you.
– Better. OK, we’re approximately
six months in. It’s only been six months? It’s only been six months. I am exhausted. I am personally broken. People come up to
me all the time and they’re like, what do I
do, what do I do, help me! So my question to you is,
what should I tell them? You get in the fight, and then
you fight as hard as you can. – But what does that mean?
– Oh, come on. – Ugh.
– You know what it means. Do I? It means that when
you’re told to be quiet, you don’t sit down and be quiet. You stand back up. I feel like you’re
so enthusiastic. I am! I feel like you
think that we’re going to come out of this
better than when we started. Yes. What? And you know why? Tell me. Because we don’t
have any choice. OK. You’ve spent your whole life
fighting for the working class. And the guy who wants to
dismantle economic protections for those people actually won. Do you ever feel
like, you know what? Fuck those people. No, never. This is who I am. This is– this is my family. This is how I grew up. And yeah, Donald
Trump lied to them. Lied to their faces. But the answer is then point
it out, hold him accountable, and offer him something better. OK. You got a lot of
political capital out of Mitch McConnell
telling you to be quiet. Yeah. Was that a fun moment for you? Ye– no. It was one of those moments
where you just think, really? You’re going to shut
me down for reading Coretta Scott King’s letter? Who else can you score points
off for being rude to you? Like, how can I turn
“unfunny feminist battleaxe” into a cool meme for myself? – Hey, best revenge?
– Mm-hmm? Just enjoy it. What else you got? “Wannabe Daniel Tosh? Oh, actually that
is a little low. OK, keep going. “Canadian lunch lady arms.” Well, take that in a good way. You know what, Mrs. Sunshine? Interpret “Canadian lunch lady
arms” in a positive manner from me. Strong and nourishing. Shut the front door! my cynicism is not backing
down from your blind optimism. My optimism is not blind. I see exactly what’s going on. Let’s try something. Let’s say I’m on the ledge
of the death of democracy, and I have one phone call. I’m gonna call you. Mm-hmm. Hey, Senator Warren,
this is Samantha Bee. Hi, Samantha. I’m just on the ledge
of the death of democracy. I was just wondering, can
you talk me off of it? Yeah. Samantha.
– Mm-hmm? You’re strong. Sorry, you’re breaking up. Come on– you’re strong. Is that your call waiting? When we put our
voices together– Hello? – Samantha.
– Hello? You hang on to that phone. Don’t you get me that,
I’ve played that game. You hold on to that phone. Sorry, can I put you
on hold for one sec? No. I’m still here. Hey! Hey, Beyonce! Oh, twins! Oh my god, send me some photos. I’m just on the phone
with Elizabeth Warren. It’s amazing, she’s so good! Oh, I know.
I know. I know. Kiss the babies. Kiss thos babies! You kiss those little
Beyonce babies! OK, OK, OK, hold on,
hold on, hold on. Hello? Hello! Is that Beyonce? – No.
– OK. Let’s get down to brass tacks. Are you running, or are you not?
– I’m not. You gonna be part
of the hot 70 over 70? I am running. I’m running in 2018 for
Senate for Massachusetts. This shit is broken. I need you to fix it. SAMANTHA (VOICEOVER):
And one last question before the end times come. After a hard day at my
job, I like to go home, bite down on a rolled-up
towel and scream. How do you relax? – I like to watch a little TV.
– OK. “Ballers.” “Ballers”? It’s actually a story about– about hard work. It’s a story about perseverance. It’s a story about having
to reach within yourself and find something that
you’re not 100% sure is there. We’re talking about “Ballers”? You bet. That’s so interesting
that you say that. Yes? We don’t want you to
leave here without a gift. SAMANTHA (VOICEOVER): That’s
when I gave her the second most jacked star of “Ballers,”
my friend Rob Corddry, and discovered she’s
got a massive crush on Dwayne Johnson. After six months of living hell,
I witnessed pure happiness. They’re going to wrap me up
in some nice gift wrapping, and I’ll be by the front door.
Dwayne and I. Great! Come on, put a
shirt on, buddy. Let’s go. Make sure I poke an air
hole in your wrapping. I just want to thank you
so much for being here. I have to tell
you, I was actually very nervous about this. Bit I think it went quite well. Nevertheless, you persisted. [GASPING] You did it! I did. Don’t go away. We have another whole
act after the break. It’s about vaginas! [MUSIC PLAYING]

Learn To Wash Your Hands The Right Way with Samantha Bee | Full Frontal on TBS

Learn To Wash Your Hands The Right Way with Samantha Bee | Full Frontal on TBS


I wanted to talk
about the coronavirus. I know everyone is nervous. But luckily, there are
things we can do like stop shaking hands with people. Don’t touch your face. And most importantly, wash
your hands, you dirty freaks. A video went viral last week
illustrating the proper way to wash your hands using ink. See? It’s not that hard. You just have to make sure
every inch of your hands are covered in soap. Remember, not to touch your
face and really wash into all those nooks and crannies.
Oops. Oh, Wait.
Oh. [LAUGHTER]
– Shit. I touched my face.
Shit. Shit.
Shit. Shit.
Shit. Shit.
Shit. Shit.
That’s our shit. Good night everyone. [LAUGHTER] Goddamn it! [APPLAUSE]