**THEME TUNE** We are pretty nervous, yeah. I’m cool. I’m cool. We are ok, yeah? Yeah We’re going to Hollywood. Now the waiting was over. They called my number and it was time to go in and face the beast. Hi Jimmy. Whats the deal? Okay to your left. Stop. Jimmy **Surname** Yup How old are you? 22 Great, it says you have a brother that is with you. Scotty. Ok, don’t be nervous. Ok Just let it go. So far so good. But could I convince them that I was too nervous to sing alone so they would bring Ant into the audition with me? I’m sorry. Why don’t we get the brother? I’m sorry. I’m sorry to keep you waiting. This can’t be easy for you. Jimmy, why don’t you leave and come back in. Come in with your brother. HI Great. What are you gunna sing? Opposites attract Whenever you guys are ready. **RAPS** Opposites attract, written by Oliver Leiber. Okay guys. Okay, Okay. Simon? Are we in? So, Simon, you say we’re not ‘American Idol’, but could we be presenters if we stood this way maybe. And if we changed our accent to a bit more Geordie. OHH MY GOD Can we go to Hollywood though? Yess YAAAAAAAAAAAY F*ck me Oh brilliant. What are you doing here? We come to brighten up your day? Oh shut up. **THEME TUNE**
There is a fan theory
involving Ant-Man. Can you explain
how Ant-Man will beat Thanos? I think I know the theory
you’re talking about. Yeah, a lot of people have asked me
recently if I shrink down and go… The theory is called
the Th-anus Theory. And go…into Thanos… ..in a certain orifice… Yes. And then grow giant-sized. That WOULD do it.
That would do it. But why not the ear or the nose? I mean, why does it have to be… You need to really just… Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, if you just blew
his head off, yeah. No, yeah, get in the
middle of the body. Yeah. It makes total sense.
Yeah, it does. Scientifically, you’re right.
Listen up guys, our movies did so well in the box office, the next time we hang out with the DC guys, remember not to bring that up, okay? I don’t want Batman to be sad and all. Hey guys, hey guys, hello! Can you guys excuse me for a minute? I really need to take a poop. No one cares, dude. Both of us were not in Infinity War …and no one cares… I was in it, but no one could see me. I was invisible. Oh well, that arrow guy has a point. Hey, is anyone is there?! I really need to go now, can you please hurry up?! Huh? What was that sound? Um..I don’t care… Why is there only one toilet in this entire freaking headquarter?!! I can’t hold it anymore, I’ve gotta think of something! That’s it! I’VE GOT AN IDEA!! Oh yeah—finally… Oh yeah, that felt so good… Hey Ant-man, what are you doing over there? What the freckles!!! Oh—crap… Haha…that was a loud one Mr. Stark, I… I don’t feel so good… Thanks so much for watching, don’t forget to subscribe and follow us on Instagram and Facebook! Simply search Cartoon Hooligans! Alright, see ya !
The anthrax virus can attack the lungs– The white powder may have contained anthrax virus and the authorities — The virus responsible for the d– NOT virus. Bacterium. For everyday folks, the term virus usually means an invisibly small… whatever, that’s responsible for the zombie apocalypse but can at least make you sick. As such, it’s synonymous with bacteria but easier to pronounce, thus making word repetition avoidable in the evening news. In reality, however, they are very different. Yes, both of them could ruin your Sunday with coughing, explosive diarrhea, and profuse blood-vomiting but they substantially differ from each other in size, structure and biology. Bacteria are cellular creatures of microscopic size: most of their bodies consists of the cytoplasm, a gooey organic substance, in which a bunch of biochemical processes take place. These processes together form the actual life of the bacterium and they’re regulated by the genetic material sloshing about in the cytoplasm known as DNA or de***cid. Argh! F***g curse filter! Khm… To keep the cytoplasm from flowing everywhere, it is surrounded by a membrane and here we have a functioning bacterium which feeds from its surroundings and as it becomes fat enough, it divides. Viruses are way more simple. They are dwarves compared to bacteria with their tiny shells only surrounding their genetic material which can either be DNA or r****cid. Oh, g***it! Without cytoplasm, viruses are like Anton Chekhov tragedies: nothing happens in them. There are no biochemical reactions, no life processes, the virus doesn’t do anything, it just… is. Like people on reality-shows. But if it doesn’t do anything, how does it reproduce? A virus can be regarded as a message in a bottle. Whenever it comes across a susceptive cell of a higher organism, it gets picked up, and the cell will read its genetic material. CELL: May the Devil’s ass f**k you in the ears! Pass it on! Based on the information in the virus’s genetic material, the biochemical processes of the cell will start replicating the virus, which usually does not result in a happy ending for the cell. The main difference between the two pathogens is that bacteria are alive, they have their own metabolism, they feed, they reproduce – it’s a miracle they don’t have to pay taxes – while viruses don’t strictly speaking live: they’re just packaged codes waiting for a host cell to replicate them. Viruses, therefore, rely upon invading other organisms to survive: some attack people, others prey on animals or plants, even bacteria aren’t safe from them. In the meantime bacteria can peacefully exist in the soil, in natural waters, in the drain or in leftover hot dogs without causing any trouble. You even carry them on your skin and in your guts and no harm is done to you. On the contrary: Every fart that ever cracked you up was a product of bacteria! Of course, plenty of them cause diseases but we can’t lump them together with viruses because their biological differences affect our means of combating them. As long as they are outside the body, rules of general hygiene apply the intensity of which is dependent on the specific pathogen: sometimes it’s enough to wash hands, other times we hysterically splatter bleach all over the place. Pathogens that have already entered the body have to be treated differently because you can’t just pour acid over them or tickle them with flames. Unless you want to kill the patient as well, you have to target the pathogens specifically. In the case of bacteria, this can be achieved with antibiotics. Antibiotics wreck the special biochemical processes of bacteria making them die miserably while apologizing. The biochemical processes of the cells of the patient are different enough from those of the bacteria for antibiotics not to affect them… much. We can’t pull the same trick on viruses because, if you recall, there are no biochemical processes in viruses. If you’ve ever tried parachuting with an anvil, you have an idea of just how effective antibiotics against viruses are. The biochemical processes of viruses are performed by the host cells during their everyday activity, so we cannot block them without seriously damaging the host and triggering malpractice lawsuits. However, there ARE antiviral drugs which can block special elements of the host-virus interaction, elements that don’t exist during normal cellular functioning, and therefore will not be missed, such as the act of viral entry into the cell. Antiviral drugs are not good against all viruses and even in cases when they are, they’re not as effective as antibiotics against bacteria. But do not despair, there is another weapon against viruses, namely the unstoppable power of love… I mean, vaccines. They are not for curing viral diseases, though, but for preventing them. Of course, many bacterial infections can be fought with vaccines as well but generally speaking, vaccines are used more often against viruses because, as a rule of thumb, the more simple a pathogen’s structure is, the better vaccines work against it. And viruses are simple. On the particle accelerator – Hodor complexity scale used by scientists, viruses are pretty close to the latter. Way closer than bacteria. There are, of course, plenty of exceptions to this rule, so the golden age of viruslessness has not yet begun but is this really our biggest problem when socks with flip-flops is still a thing? Summing it up: Viruses and bacteria, although both potential pathogens, differ greatly in their structure and their biology calling for different methods of combating them. Antibiotics left over from treating grandpa’s pus-oozing tooth are not going to work on your flu. WOMAN: Couldn’t we try it anyway just a little– NO!!! Mixing them up in a conversation is not a deadly sin but it is ill-advised if you work in the media as it could lead to television sets getting damaged. Health. It makes you live longer. WITNESS: I don’t know… Number three maybe? POLICE: Are you sure? WITNESS: No, wait! He was wearing glasses, so… number four. The technical information in this video was fact-checked by Tamás Bakonyi, veterinarian, virologist, demon hunter. I thank him very much! If you’ve made it this far, why not like, comment or subscribe? Or check out my other videos! I know it would make at least one of us happy.
spanich (Music) Gwetings music wovers (laughs) Fiwst, we will heaw a wawtz, wwitten By Johann Stwaus. (laughs) And as we heaw the whythmic stwings of the haunting weight lane wissen to the whispewing whythm of the woodwinds as is wolls awound and awound, and comes out here *boing* (laughs) LA VIE OU FERME TA BOUCHE *The Waltz by Johann Stwaus (Music) *angry squeaking* *NOPE* wut??? *both laughing retardly* (dafuq) end me *The Waltz ends* Wasn’t that crap? And now we will present the beautiful “Blue Danub” (laughs) Hey stop it, stop it! Oh, stop it! Cut it out! I don’t wanna, I tell ya, I don’t wanna do it! Oh, there’s nothin’ to it… I won’t do it again, I won’t do it again! Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute… Ohhhh, I don’t want no part of it… Listen! You wanna eat, don’t you? Yeah, shrek I wanna eat I love to eat
Well then, go up and get that bird out of that nest, and we’ll eat! But I don’t wanna hurt no bird I like birds I’d go hungry first… What’s the matter affraid cat? This is only a tiny little bird You mean a poor little -incy-vincy-itzi-pitzi defensless bird? YES! Let me out ’em!
……… Don’t hold me back! I’ll get’em! I’ll show’em Come on put your foot, get up that lad Don’t push me Babbit Don’t push me! I’m scared to go up high, I get highdrophobia I don’t wanna keep going Don’t push me You can’t make me do it You can’t make me do it He did it Come on stupid, get the bird Oooooooh! Give me the bird! Give me the bird! I give him the bird alright Babbit! Ba- ba- ba- babbiiiiiit ! Woaaaaaah Babbiiit!! Hey Babbit look: stilts *whistle* Help! Help! Babbit! Here I go again, catch me ! Help ! Hey I’m going to die Help! Save me! Help! Hey, how did you get your way up here? Say Babbit, are you sure this thing is gonna be okay? Of course, of course ! Everything is under control Don’t push me down in a box Babbit Please don’t do it, don’t do it! Hey Babbit! Oh Babbit! Babbit! Babbiiiit ! What’s the matter now? I’m affraid of the dark Well I’ll let you out then I thought I taw a putty tat I did! I taw a putty tat! BOOM! Oooh the pu- putty tat, he punched on his ugly face Edocrmmm, pardon me Fresh out of carrots *Singing* Low bridge I live here. That’s my home. Hehe Look doc, do I go around nailing signs over your house!? Do I?! There’s still such a thing as private property you know! Give me the inalienable right of the sanctity of a home?! Forgive me, my friend. Um, do you like blackberry pie? Eh, no no. Ehh, did you say blackberry pie? Yum, yummy. Well, have some!!! Hahahahahahaha What a dumb bunny!!! Hahahahaha Of course you realize this means war… (Music) And now, from the empty hat, I will preshdagetush Uh, prushdageshuf Uh, presdatagite Ehh, pull…a live rabbit…yeah…hehehehehe Roota, voota, soot!! And observe, a rabbit!! Yes, hehehe Guess who?? You! Yeah it’s me! (breathes heavily) You didn’t expect to see me again? Go away please! You dumb rabbit/bunny, you are ruining my act! Wrong, doc! I’m gonna “help you!” Emm, let’s see now umm. You was trying to preshdagetush, uh prushdageshuf, uh presdatagite Eh, pull a rabbit out of the hat. Roota, voota, zoot! Carrot? Ooo, yes yes… Eh come out and get the nice carrot, pretty bunny. Ah!! I got him! On the contrary, I got you! *Singing* Eh ladies and gentlepeoples. For my next illusion, I will require the assistance of a small boy from the audience. I shall be happy to assist you sir! I shall now attempt to run razor-sharp swords through the basket. *whispers* There’s nothing to fear, it’s a trick! The swords do not penetrate! No! Ohh agony! Ohhhhhhh agony agony agony!! Does it hurt very much, sorry boy? One two three four five six seven eight nine ten, RED LIGHT!! One two three four five six seven, RED LIGHT!! One two three four five, RED LIGHT!! One, RED LIGHT!! *speaking French* What a performance! What a performance!! Hahahaha If I do it, I get a whipping! I do it!! *singing* Good morning, good morning! Wake up everybody, wake up everybody! Have you had your tasty toastie this morning? Good for you! And now from…ah ah ah ah ah ah! Don’t touch that dial! And now for our morning exercises! Open those windows, take a deep breath… *smash* Eggbert!! Eggbert!! Hey Eggbert!! Hey, on your toes boy!! We’ve got to catch a spy. Come on!! We’ll track him down in the plank (jail). Come on, let’s go! Come on Eggbert! Hurry up!! Say, have you seen a spy around here? Does he look like this? Yeah, that’s him! No, I have not seen him!! Say, I bet that’s the… *loud sneeze* Hahahaha, now at 3 o’ clock, KABLOOM!! Hey you!! Stand up! I bet you’re that… Then I’m not so sure that you’re Porky Pig either! There’s your license! Can’t you see the white line? There’s the fire! Move along!! You know? I’m really getting suspicious of that guy! Hey pig! It is one minute to three! Do you see that little bag? Do you mean that one? Yes!! At exactly three o’ clock, that little…AHHH!! yeah!! You know, that guy sure does act suspicious! And that thing ticks just like a…um… A BOMB!!! Oh that’s alright, that’s just my little old heart YIKES!!! I knew it! I knew it!! This dog-gone imitation thing! It never works!! Never never works!! Weeheehee!! It works!! It works! It works!! Hahahaha It works!! Hahaha it works! Hail Hitler!!! That’s all folks!! Gee, am I hungry. I could eat a saber tooth tiger Well anyway, half of one. Well, this isn’t getting me breakfast. *whistle* Here Fido! Well…thanks. Now come on! I’m famished!! Well, I’ll bet you’re cranky before breakfast too. BE QUIET!!! Hmmm. Yum yummy, my favorite vegetable! Duck! Gosh! That duck acts like he’s crazy! That is correct! Absolutely one hundred percent correct!! So that’s the way it is eh? Alright then! Fine then…no swimming. Other caveman get to go swimming but I never get to do anything. Well, what are you looking at?! Don’t just stand there, do something!!! Now go get him!!! The big hummocks Well, now isn’t that clever? The hunter’s helper. Now come on!! Not bad for a guy that’s never taken a lesson in his life. Wait here. Here you are buddy! Gee! Thanks a lot! Well just what I wanted! A duck breakfast! Gee, I can hardly wait! Come on Fido! Gee, we’re almost there! Wow! You know, maybe that wasn’t such a hot idea after all. Good night, folks. (music) (theme music) “Daffy-the Commando” (Talking to self in German) (More confusing German) (Plane flies overhead) Put out those lights! (Orchestral music plays) (Shadow Puppets) (whistles) Say, leocranz. What time is it? When you hear the tone, it will be exactly 6:45. And one quarter. Shulz! (music military) (bang) Six forty-five and one quarter. May I present you our little token of esteem. For me? Thank you, thank you! (danke schön,danke schön) Well ! Just a little going away present Well see you around ! Shulz ! Bang ! going up and down noise HELP HELP CHILDREN Why don’t they let me sleep (laughs) engels & nederlands looney
(crows cawing) WHERE IS IT?
WHERE IS IT? WHERE’S MY SKATEBOARD? HE-HEY! LOOK.
A NEW AARDVARK. I WONDER WHAT
HE’S DOING HERE. (wet chewing) (blow honk) HEY, GET ME DOWN! OH, YOU KNOW
THAT’S JUST WRONG! WHERE’S MY
TURF SKATER 3000? (screams) SOMEBODY MIGHT WANNA
DO SOMETHING. QUICK! (chattering) TOO PUNY. THAT AARDVARK
IS JUST AWFUL! ALL RIGHT,
LISTEN UP. I’M GONNA LOOK
ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE JUNGLE. AND IF I DON’T FIND IT,
SOMEBODY’S GONNA PAY. (inhales heavily) (loud blowing) AND NOW FOR THE BEE. SUGAR. YOU KNOW,
SOMETIMES ALL IT TAKES
IS A LITTLE DUMB LUCK. OH, MAN! (spits)
PEPPER? OH! SUGAR. SUGAR? (whipping) WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
THE TURF SKATER 3000. (birds chirping) (grunts) CRAZY HONEY. I DIDN’T HAVE THAT ANT,
AND THEN I HAD THAT ANT, THEN I DIDN’T HAVE THAT ANT,
AND NOW I HAVE A HEADACHE. OH, NO! HE’S BACK. OH, NO! HE’S BACK. WHO’S BACK? (teeth chattering) “BEWARE THE AWFUL AARDVARK?” IF I DIDN’T KNOW THAT WAS ME,
I’D BE SCARED OF ME. (clears throat) HEY,
YOU BETTER COME OUT IF YOU KNOW
WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU’S, OR WHAT’S
BAD FOR YOU’S.
‘CAUSE I’M AWFUL. HEY, MR. AWFUL.
IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN GET YOU? HEY, MR. AWFUL.
ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU? STOP IT, MIKE.
I SAID THAT. STOP IT, MIKE.
I SAID THAT. YEAH, THE CUCKOO
KNOWS WHAT YOU WANT. YOU WANT A PARTY! AN AWFUL PART-AY. I’LL TELL YOU
WHAT I WANT.
I WANT THAT ANT. UH… OR ELSE! (chattering) WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! THIS SKATER THING
IS JUST TOO MUCH FUN! I BETTER HOLD ONTO IT
UNTIL AWFUL COMES BACK. HEY, CUCKOO!
CHECK IT OUT, MAN. WAH-HOO! WHAT IN THE SAVANNAH
IS GOING ON AROUND HERE? HEY! HEY, WAIT! HEDGEHOG, YOU! SEEMS LIKE AARDVARK’S
NOT THE ONLY ONE
OUT TO GET ME. (sucking noise) (shooting) HEY, ELI!
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN’, MAN? AH-HA!
(beeps) WHOA… AH! I’M NOT FEELING THE LOVE
AROUND HERE TODAY. I DEMAND YOU TO
BRING ME THAT ANT. AND YOU BRING ME THIS…
THIS SKATEBOARD THINGY? (chattering) IT WASN’T MY FAULT.
IT WAS HIS. MY FAULT?
IT WAS HIS FAULT. IT WAS HIS FAULT. YOUR FAULT! YOUR FAULT! UH, HIS FAULT. YOUR FAULT! HIS FAULT. OH, BROTHER. (sniffs)
AW, TURFIE. TURFIE? WHO’S THERE? (clears throat) ARE YOU CRYING OVER
A SKATEBOARD, MAN? CRYING?
NO, I DON’T CRY. I’M-I’M-I’M
TOO AWFUL TO CRY. OH! PLEASE! I JUST WANT MY TURFIE. OH, WELL,
LET’S SEE IF WE CAN REUNITE YOU
WITH YOUR TURFIE. AW, THANKS. I DON’T CARE
WHOSE FAULT IT IS,
I JUST WANT THAT ANT. AND DON’T FORGET
WHO I AM. I’M AWFUL. AH-HA!
NO, I’M AWFUL. AND THAT’S MY SKATEBOARD. UM, NO.
JUST ASK THEM. OH, YEAH.
YEAH, HE’S PRETTY BAD. IF YOU’RE
SO AWFUL, PROVE IT. OKAY. (rumbles) (gasps) (blows whistle) (chattering) (blowing vigorously) (blowing ferociously) OOPS. HUH? all: WHAT? AH-HA! TOLD YOU.
SAY IT, SAY IT! NO, I’M AWFUL. WHAT? AWFUL ANT.
ARE YOU DOING HERE? KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU. BUT-BUT I’M NOT
DOING ANYTHING. LOOK AT THAT
MESS YOU MADE
AROUND HERE. LOOK AT IT! YOU BROKE THE
LAW OF NATURE, AWFUL.
IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO PAY. YOU KNOW THE DRILL,
HAND IT OVER. NO, NO, NO.
I WON’T. NOT TURFIE. YOU’LL GET IT BACK
ONCE YOU LEARN
HOW TO BEHAVE. YOU’RE AWFUL.
(crying) SEE WHAT I GOTTA DEAL WITH? YEAH,
I FEEL YOUR PAIN, BROTHER. UH, HOW DID YOU
GET HIM TO DO THAT? BECAUSE I’M AWFUL.
I’M THE AWFUL ANT. SEE YOU AROUND, SONNY. (whirring) AARDVARKY… SOMETHING TELLS ME
SOMETHING AWFUL IS ABOUT TO
HAPPEN TO ME. NO! ANTS MAKING
AARDVARKS CRY, NOW THAT’S
WHAT I CALL AWFUL.
AWFUL GOOD. (Pink Panther Theme) ♪ ♪ (horns honk) (motor whirs) (motor sputters) (motor whirs) (motor meows and hisses) (motor sputters) (whistle blows) (motor whirs) (motor sputters) (coughs) (growls) (sirens blare) (motor sputters, whirs) (motor sputters, stops) (ignition stalls) (horns honk angrily) (sirens blare) HMM. (whistle blows furiously) (coughs) (sirens wail) (grumbles) (sigh) (bang, horse neighs) (bangs, neighs) (blows air) (growling, huffing) (metal crunches) (burps) (burps) (aerosol sprays) both: AH! (metal whirring) AH! (aerosol sprays) both: AH! (chattering) both: (laughing) (deeper laughing) (high-pitched babble) (honks horn) (laughter and music) MM! (fast whirring) AH–OH. MM, UGH! AH! (growls) (blows whistle) (furious whirring) (groaning) AH!
(nervous giggles) (metallic crunching) (sucking) (crunching) (dings) (screaming, fearful noises) (long whistle) (chuckles) (strained grunts) (chuckles) (water rushing, laughter) (maniacal laughter) UGH. (groaning) (bubbles popping) (strained grunting) (rumbling sound) EH. (roars) (distant screams) (roars) (frantic yelling) (whistle blows) (groaning) (blows whistle) (hair dryer whirring) (Pink Panther Theme) ♪ ♪
(lighthearted music) ♪ ♪ ♪ THE ANTS COME MARCHIN’
ONE BY ONE ♪ ♪ STEP, STEP,
STEP, STEP ♪ ♪ THE ANTS COME MARCHIN’
ONE BY ONE ♪ ♪ STEP, STEP,
STEP, STEP ♪ ♪ THE ANTS COME MARCHIN’
ONE BY ONE ♪ ♪ THE LITTLE ONE STOPPED
TO SUCK HIS THUMB ♪ ♪ AND THEY ALL
WENT MARCHING ♪ AAH! ♪ STEP, STEP,
STEP, STEP ♪ STEP RIGHT IN HERE,
ANT. AARDVARK, I’M TIRED. MY FEET HURT,
I’M HUNGRY, AND I CAN ONLY HANDLE
ONE TURKEY AT A TIME. WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT TIME IT IS, ANT. OH! LET ME GUESS. IT’S TIME FOR ME
TO RUN? (screeching) SO YOU FINALLY COME
TO YOUR SENSES, ANT, JUST IN TIME
FOR MY DINNER. (clang) (teeth chattering) I’M NOT DUMB ENOUGH
TO FALL FOR
THAT OLD TRICK. (engine roars) OHH! OUCH. OOH, DOES THAT HURT? ‘CAUSE THAT LOOKS
LIKE IT’S GOTTA HURT. ONLY WHEN
I BREATHE. (crash) (creaking and stretching) (splat) (clang) “PLEASE…” (lamp squeaks, rattles) “RECYCLE.” (New York accent)
OH, DON’T I KNOW IT,
GIRLFRIEND? I’VE BEEN TOO BUSY
TO EVEN GET
MY NAILS DONE. I FEEL LIKE
I FELL OFF A TRUCK.
YOU SHOULD SEE ME. OH, LISTEN,
I GOTTA CALL
YOU BACK, HONEY. I HAVE TO GO
TO WORK. TOODLES. OH, MY GOODNESS.
WHAT EVER HAPPENED
TO YOUR NOSE? OH, THAT LOOKS LIKE
IT’S GOTTA HURT. UH…HUH, UH… SPEAK UP, SONNY.
GENIE CAN’T HEAR YOU. ARE YOU READY TO MAKE
YOUR FIRST WISH? WISH? YEAH, WISH. HERE’S THE DRILL.
YOU RUB THE LAMP,
YOU GET THREE WISHES. YOU CALL ME GENIE,
I CALL YOU MASTER. IT’S ALL
PRETTY EASY. ALL RIGHT, GO ‘HEAD,
SWEETIE. TRY IT. COME ON,
ANYTHING YOU WANT.
DON’T BE SHY. ANYTHING? YEAH, ANYTHING. ALL RIGHT, NOW,
TELL ME WHAT YOU
WANT, DEAR. I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY.
TICK-TOCK. TO CATCH THAT ANT,
I NEED TO GO VERY FAST. I OFFER HIM THE WORLD,
AND HE WANTS AN ANT. WHAT CAN I SAY?
I’M A GENIE,
NOT A THERAPIST. (smoke whooshes) (buzzing) HEY, ANT! WHAT NOW,
AARDVARK? YOU RUINED
MY TURKEY DINNER! LOOK AT IT!
JUST LOOK AT IT! (buzzing) OH, FOR CRYIN’
OUT LOUD, AARDVARK! NEVER MIND
THAT NOW, ANT, YOU WON’T HAVE TIME
TO EAT NOW THAT I HAVE
MY SUPER SPEEDY
RACING CAR. YOU LOOK LIKE A FLOAT
IN THE MAY DAY PARADE, ALL PINK
AND FLOWERY LIKE. (tires squeal) AAH! (car buzzing) YAH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! (snapping) (clunk clunk clunk) (crashes) I THINK YOU WON,
AARDVARKY. (car buzzing) AAH! (teeth chattering) Well, joy boy,
you wanted fast,
you got fast. BUT I DIDN’T CATCH
THAT ANT. LOOK, GENIES ARE
ALL ABOUT GIVING YOU
WHAT YOU NEED. NOW, YOU TELL ME,
WHAT’S NEXT? (tongue-tied) WHAT I NEED
IS TO HAVE MORE OF
WHAT MY TONGUE HAS, STICKINESS. (flag whooshing) WEIRD, BUT DONE. HEAD-TO-TOE STICKY
COMING RIGHT UP. WHOA. (glue stretches, snaps) THIS IS AMAZING! (screeching) (glue stretching) HEY, ANT! AARDVARK,
IF YOU KEEP
INTERRUPTING ME, I’LL NEVER EVEN
GET TO TASTE THIS
DELICIOUS BIRD! (glue creaking) JUST WAIT TILL YOU GET
A TASTE OF MY STICKY
ANT-CATCHING SUIT! YIKES! (glue creaking) (tree crunches) (jet whooshing) (doink) (crunches) (crunches) (birds tweeting) (crashes) (thunk thunk thunk thunk) (air whistling) (crashes) (birds tweeting) YOU KNOW,
I BETTER CATCH THAT ANT
WHILE I STILL GOT SOME STICKY PLACES LEFT
ON MY STICKY SUIT. THIS IS GONNA
BE GOOD! (laughs) (bear roars) OOF! OY! OY! WHO DO YOU
THINK YOU ARE, GETTING FUR ALL OVER
MY NEW SUIT? GET OFF ME,
YOU NINCOMPOOP! WELL, YOU SEE, MR. BEAR,
THIS SUIT IS REALLY MADE
FOR CATCHING ANTS. (growls) YO! OOH! (thunk) GENIE, HELP! HONEY, YOU ARE
SOMETHIN’ ELSE. WHAT IS WRONG
WITH YOU? I MEAN, I AM GIVING
YOU THE BEST I GOT, AND YOU JUST KEEP
MESSIN’ IT UP. (spell jingling) THE BEST? ALL I WANT IS TO CATCH
THAT ANT, BUT, NO,
I GET STUCK IN RACE CARS
I CAN’T EVEN DRIVE, I GET STUCK TO
NINCOMPOOP BEARS. I CAN’T STAND
NINCOMPOOP BEARS! THIS IS CRAZY!
THIS IS NUTS! I’M TIRED, AND I’M HURTIN’,
AND I’M STARVIN’, AND– WHOA, WHOA, LISTEN.
I’M A GENIE, NOT A MIRACLE WORKER,
SWEETIE. NOW, WHAT’S YOUR THIRD WISH?
I’M LATE FOR ALADDIN, AND LET ME TELL YOU,
YOU NEVER WANT TO BE
LATE FOR ALADDIN. YOU WANT AN ANT,
WISH FOR– I WISH YOU’D GO AWAY
AND LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU ARE A MAN AFTER
MY OWN HEART. CIAO-CIAO. WAIT, NO!
GENIE, DON’T GO! I HAVE ONE
MORE WISH! (lamp clanks) IT’S BROKE. IT AIN’T BROKE, MAN. CAN’T YOU COUNT?
YOUR THREE WISHES
ARE UP. (lamp squeaks) (man on phone squawking) OKAY, HONEY.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY,
HONEY, STOP TALKING. I’LL HIT YOU BACK.
DUTY CALLS…AGAIN. WELL, WHAT HAVE
WE HERE? AREN’T YOU THE CUTEST
LITTLE THING? WHAT CAN GENIE
DO FOR YOU? LISTEN HERE, GENIE.
I’VE GOT ONE WISH, AND THEN
YOU’RE FREE TO GO. (whispering) OHH! I LIKE THE WAY
YOU THINK, ANTY. YOU ARE CLEVER. YOUR WISH IS
MY COMMAND. (smoke whooshing) (lamp squeaks) ALL IN ALL, IT’S NOT
SUCH A BAD JOB, BUT THIS OUTFIT
REALLY ITCHES! (branding iron sizzles) (horseshoe creaks) (clanking) (crickets chirping) (alarm clock ringing) (alarm stops) (crowing) (boing) (bright Western music) ♪ ♪ (doors crash) (smack) (doors flapping) (snoring, whistling) (flies buzzing) (mutters) (doors creak) (guitar music) ♪ ♪ (eye shade snaps) (snores) (snoring and whistling) (snaps) (snores) (sniffing) (snoring and whistling) (carrot crunching) (gulps) (whistling) (pants snap) (carrots crunching) (gulping) (whistles) (objects clattering) WHOO-HOO! (neighing and laughing) (lips puckering) (mutters) (horseshoes clanging) (nail creaking) (clanks) (clanks) (crashes) (crashes) (feet tapping) (tapping) (wood crunches) (clangs) (neighs and laughs) (cinch creaking) (inhales) (sputtering) (exhales) (laughing) (cinch creaking) (sputtering) (exhales and inhales) (creaking) (saddle pops) (crashes) (air whistling) (thuds) (neighing and laughing) (pulley creaking) (apples crunching) MMM? (gulps) (metal clanks) (reins creaking) NNNH! UGH! (reins snap) (wall thuds) (laughs) (laughs) (knuckles crack) (tractor engine running) HMM? MM! (angry neighing) (reins snap) (spurs jingle) (whistle) (sultry music) ♪ ♪ (whistles) (apple crunches) (gulps) YA-HA! YOO-HOO-HOO! (neighing) (laughing) (boing boing) HEE HEE, HEE HEE,
HEE HEE, HEE HEE! (Western-style
Pink Panther theme) ♪ ♪
He’s gonna take you back to the past To play the shitty games that suck ass He’d rather have a buffallo Take a diarrhea dump in his ear He’d rather eat the rotten asshole Of a road killed skunk and down it with beer He’s the angriest gamer you’ve ever heard He’s the Angry Nintendo Nerd He’s the Angry Atari Sega Nerd He’s the Angry Video Game Nerd Wow! How awesome can this be? Bugs Bunny’s Birthday Blowout. Well, it was a blowout, alright. BLOW OUT YOUR ASS!!! Basically, you’re Bugs Bunny going around with a hammer in a Mario-like setting. Really nothing special. In fact, it’s one of the most sickening side scrollers I’ve ever seen because when you walk, the screen sort of like does this strobe effect. I’m not kidding. It makes me sick! Even worse is when there’s an earthquake! Oh, come on! That’s cruel! The plot is that it’s Bugs Bunny’s 50th birthday and he’s on his way to his own party, but out of envy, everybody wants to stop him from getting there. So, you’re just whacking anything in your path and, do you know what’s really annoying? Every time you get hit, you see stars. And, when that happens, you can’t use your hammer for a few seconds. All you do is just go from start to finish. There’s usually a boss at the end of the stage, like here’s Daffy. You think you’re supposed to fight him, but no. That doesn’t work. You’re just supposed to get the carrot. Yeah, this game’s really a no-brainer. OH MY GOD!!! IT’S BUGS BUNNY!!! Nyah, what’s up, doc? I can’t believe it! In my own house! BUGS BUNNY!!! Bugs FUCKING Bunny! After each stage, you get a bonus game, depending on how many carrots you collected. By winning, you can earn some 1-ups. Now, this number thing, I really don’t know how to play it. And I don’t give a shit. So I just tap the buttons ’til it’s over. Nyyyyyyaaaaaaaahhhhh, what’s up doc? Now, here’s Tweety. Hate this little bastard. You just gotta clobber him. So, you could already guess that all the bosses are Looney Tunes characters, like Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester, Foghorn Leghorn, Elmer Fucking Fudd and Pepe Le Shit. But, the main enemies are just really weird. There’s these walking boxes with the letter S, little hammer head guys, Oscar the Grouch, and these things, I don’t know. I guess they’re floating… dead cats. These clocks are the worst! They’re all over the place! You can’t hit them without getting yourself hit, and when you kill them, they explode for like, three hours and you just gotta stand back. And, after they explode, another one immediately drops in its place! So, I just gotta run through everything. I mean, I just don’t even care. Nyyyyyaaaaahhhhhh, what’s up doc? What’s one thing I should have done a thousand times by now? Die. But, I’m not dying. You know why? Because this game’s too fucking easy. I’m just walking through the levels, getting hit by everything in sight, not caring whether I lose all my lives or beat the game. Whichever comes first, I welcome it. All I know is this game is going on and on and on. There’s Sam, beating the shitballs out of me, just hitting me every second that there is, but there I go! I still beat him! Come on! I really don’t care about the damn bonus games! This game is garbage! Nyaaaaaa- I rather put my balls in a crocodile’s mouth while shoving my head up an unicorn’s asshole!! Well, here’s Tweety again. Get out here! Come on, come on! You little Tweety fuck! Alright, here’s Elmer Fucking Fudd. Come on! Ugh, you son of a bitch! Now what’s he doing to me?!?! Get off! A lot of times, you’re supposed to break blocks to get where you’re supposed to go, which is tedious as all Hell. What a shitty assload of goddamn bullfuck!!! Bugs:Nyah! Ain’t I a fucking stinker, motherfucker? Ain’t you a goddamn FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!! Oh, I hate this shit right here. This platform keeps disappearing when you jump on it! Fuck! Alright, let’s try it again. Keep jumping, keep jumping! Oh, oh, here we go! YES!!! Okay, next rope. Oh, no! Wait! Ugh! Son of a cock! Nyaa, What’s up buttcock? Sometimes, when you have to go down, you’re never sure of whether or not you’re going to fall and die. Ugh! Mother of a fuck! I hate those stars. I really, really fucking hate them! You can’t hit anybody without getting yourself hit! And, everything you step on, it breaks away! It’s just total ass! Nyah! What’s all the hubbub, Bub? You know, this game is just way too generous with the extra lives. Just like delibritely keeping me in the game so I can’t stop!! Nyah! What’s up, buttcock vagina buttfuck?!?! Ew, Shut up! For what it’s worth, the game’s at least playable. But, there’s no appeal whatsoever. Making a birthday-themed game is one of the worst concepts imaginable. Even with a big name like Bugs Bunny. He’s one of the greatest cartoon characters of all time, but his leap to the Nintendo Entertainment System was just a total FUCKING SHITBOMB!!! Well, here we are at the last guy. It’s Taz. All you gotta do is knock those footballs back at him, and you’re done. I BEAT IT!!! Now, get out of here! Bugs Bunny finally arrives at his party. He is greeted with thunderous cheers and applause from all his loving friends. To Bugs’ surprise, he finds all of his Looney Tunes pals there, who had just moments ago been playing some very funny tricks. I’ll show you some funny tricks!! Nyah, what’s up, COCK!? I’ll show what’s up, you bunny fucking piece of shit! Bugs Bunny’s birthday blowout!? How ’bout Bug Bunny’s birthday beating!? You want a shoryuken? Do you want some shit? Bombs away, Bugs bitch!! Bugs: Oh shit oh shit!! Nyah! Ugh, oh boy! Don’t worry, folks. It’s not real. Fuck you Bugs Bunny!! Fuck you Bugs Bunny!! Got your ass handed to you. Uh, duh! Uh, duh! Uh, duh! That’s all, fucks!
Now, a lot of people
have told me that they’re depressed
about our show getting canceled, so we thought
we’d cover a subject that will make you even more
depressed– the opioid epidemic. That’s right. It’s time
for our lastNightly ShowSuper Depressing Deep Dive.
Take a look. ♪ ♪ MALE NARRATOR:Hi.
Hey, you good? Not for long.Welcome
to anotherNightly ShowSuper Depressing Deep Dive.Everyone’s talking about them.One of the greatest public
health crises of our time, the opioid epidemic. MAN:
An epidemic of drug abuse.We are seeing more people killed because of opioid overdose
than traffic accidents. (tires squealing, static) NARRATOR:
So how did this happen?It starts with pain.-(groaning)-People hate pain,
mainly because it’s painful,and opioids take that pain
and turn it into…♪ Magic body warmth! ♪Opioids are any opium-like
compound, like morphine,invented in 1827
and advertised to children.Yes, that baby won’t cry.Well, until you take away
its sweet, sweet morphine.(crying)In 1898, Bayer triedto make a less-addictive
morphine called… heroin.♪ Heroin! ♪Now, selling legal heroin
may sound crazy,but this is during the timewhen you could get cocaine in
Coca-Cola, and doctors thoughtyour skull shape determined
how smart you were.Phrenology.In the 1970s and ’80s,
most doctors avoided opioidsas long-term pain reliefbecause
of the whole addiction thing.But in 1995,
Purdue Pharmaceuticals–sadly not a branch
of Perdue Chicken–marketed the safest opioid
of all.♪ Oxycontin! Oxycontin! ♪And everyone was happy
and pain-free forever. The end.JK. Pain is life.
It will never go away.-Like U2 and Guy Fieri.
-(boy shouts)And hey, it turns out Oxycontin
is crazy addictive,but to make it seem
mega-awesome, Purdue handed outbranded promotional items,
like fishing hats and CDs.Yes, that’s the title.
It isn’t even clever,like Oxycontin-Eyed Joe!There were also plush toys,which we couldn’t
find images of,so we assume
they look like this.TOY BEAR:
Hug me. I can’t feel pain. (winding down):
I’m a bear…And to help ease
everyone’s fear of addiction,Purdue created videos
with super trustworthy dudes.They don’t wear out.
They go on working. They do not have
serious medical side effects.Thank you kindly,
doctor-type guywho was totally not paid
to say that.I bet he was paid to say that.A year later,
opioid prescriptionsjumped by $11 million.Those are some Viagra-level
numbers, but without the adsthat make you think
of your parents doing it.Sales of Oxycontin went
from $44 million in 1996…MAN:
Triple-decker yacht money!…to $1.5 billion in 2002.MEN:
Ya-Ya-Yacht jet!By 2012, doctors wrote more
than 259 million prescriptionsfor opioids–
enough to give a bottleto every adult in America.You don’t have to be
a chicken scientistto know that when
everyone’s got opioids,opioid overdoses
are going to skyrocket.More than 165,000 people
have died of causesrelated to painkiller use
since 1999,including the men who love
to party like it’s 1999.NEWSWOMAN:Tests show
the music icon Princedied of an opioid overdose.NARRATOR:That’s right, those
greedy drug company bastardsmother(bleep) killed…Mother(bleep) Prince. Jesus (bleeping)… (man grunting à la Prince)Or… maybe the drug companies
didn’t know.Maybe they were innocent pawnsin this game of chance
we call life.I’m just playing.
Of course they knew.TheL.A. Timesreported
that Purdue marketed Oxycontinas a 12-hour drug
when they knewit often only worked for eight,
leading patientsto experience withdrawal
and want higher,more dangerous doses–
which means we were lied toby kindly
CD-hat doctor-type guy.They do not have
serious medical side effects.What the (bleep), dude?
They hid the evidenceof illegal Oxy rings,
and in 2007,they lost
a $635 million lawsuitand three executives pleaded
guilty in misbranding the drugand downplaying
the risk of addiction.Even Big Tobacco was like,
“Damn, you guys are scumbags.”That lawsuit
was known years ago,but we’re only addressing
this crisis now. Why?For the first time
in any first-world country, the death rate for white, middle-aged people
is on the rise.Yep, opioids became
a national epidemic-because it became a…
-♪ White people problem ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba. ♪Hashtag it.
Now hospitals and doctorsfeel super bad
about hurting white people,so they’re cracking down
on overprescribing and abuse.So… is it all better?-(children cheer)
-Yeah. Wait.No. Because when addicts
stop getting opioids,they turn
to the next best thing.♪ Heroin… ♪That’s right,
our old friend heroin is back.It’s like opioid fast food–cheap, easy,
and it’s colorful mascotswill haunt your nightmares
for eternity.So now there’s a new
white people problem.The Nantucket Polo Club
is full of heroin addicts.(horses neighing)And if that wasn’t fun enough,
Big Pharma still makes billionsoff our pain
by selling opioids,and we still don’t have
chronic pain medication.Now we just have heroin
killing more people than ever.Depressed? Good.Then my job here is done.This has been
– You know, I’m all for trends.
It’s good to have trends. New things happen,
I welcome them. I’m a very open-minded person. There’s a new trend happening
right now I’m very against. Not against–like, so, so, so,
so, so, so against. It’s the unnatural,
unforgivable act of putting glitter in your hair. [audience laughter] Have you heard about this?
[audience laughter] I’m so upset–let me show you
what I’m talking about. Okay, look. It’s like–it’s–
[audience murmurs] To cover the roots or something?
I don’t know what they’re doing. I have two questions:
“Why?” and “What the hell?” [audience laughter] I mean, it’s like getting
a tattoo. It’s like,
it seems like a good idea, but it stays with you the rest
of your life, and it just looks worse and
worse as you get older. It’s just–
’cause you’re never gonna get that out, right? That’s never gonna come out. Look what else
is happening here. Glitter beard. audience: Oh! [laughter and applause] I don’t want to be in
the same picture as that. I want to get away from that. This is real. I’d rather see someone’s entire
meal that they just ate. [audience laughter] I’d rather know what they just
ate, in their beard, than see glitter like that. Another thing that’s starting– and these are all real things–
glitter armpits. I don’t have a picture of that,
’cause– [audience laughter] ’cause I don’t want to see it, and you don’t want to see it. Glitter armpits.
[audience murmurs] Why?
[audience laughter] Aren’t we trying to disguise everything about
the armpit area? Who’s walking around just going, “Look what I got under here.” [audience laughter] I’ve been on a crusade against
glitter my whole life. I don’t know if anybody else
feels like– I know it’s popular.
They put it in cards. They put in on wrapping paper.
They put it on– I just–I don’t know, I don’t
know why we have glitter. You know…right? Is anybody with me on this?
Do you understand? [cheers and applause] Because–
[cheers and applause] Okay.
[cheers and applause] And for the people that like it,
good for you, but it surprises us,
the people that don’t like it. You open something,
you’re like, “Aah!” And there’s–
[audience laughter] There’s no warning.
There’s like, you know, just like a show says there’s
adult content or whatever, there should be like,
“Warning: glitter.” Because one–right?
[applause] There should be something–
[applause] [applause] Because it just takes one. One speck will keep me busy
for two hours, ’cause I’m–
[audience laughter] I’m trying to get it off,
and then it’s there. And then I think it’s gone,
and someone goes, “You have glitter on your face.” It’s like “What, what?”
[audience laughter] I don’t understand
this trend at all. It’s sweeping the nation,
and soon, we’ll be sweeping up for
centuries to come. Whoever started it, I’d like to
have a word with you from at least ten feet away,
but– If any of you have glitter
roots, glitter beards, please take a step back,
’cause I’m gonna dance with you.