Can You Feel It? with Chrissy Teigen


-Guys, here’s how this works. We’re going to have a number
of mystery objects brought out in front of us, and our job is to guess
what each one is. The catch is that we have
to figure out by touch alone. [ Laughter ] Honestly, I — really,
I said it’s a fun game, but I really don’t mean that. -Have there ever been actual
dangerous things in there? -Yeah.
-Okay. Okay. -There’s been one
or two dangerous things. -Okay.
[ Laughter ] -Usually towards the end,
though, right? -Oh, great. Whatever. I’m down. I like to touch. -Since I’m the host,
I’m going to go first. -Okay.
-All right. Let’s get our first object.
All right. And you can go in front,
if you want. And just —
-Okay. -I’ll have 30 seconds
to identify what this is. [ Laughter ] Okay. Is it — -So there are scary ones,
apparently. Okay. [ Laughter ] -I’m going to freak out.
I’m freaking out. I swear to you, this is
not my game at all, man. I’m like — [ Screaming ] Don’t make noise. Is it
going to move or something? I swear —
-Come in through the side. -This is the last time
I’m playing this game ever. I just really don’t
like this at all. Oh!
-You’re fine! -Oh!
-Oh, my God. -Oh! ♪♪ -Butter?
Is it sticks of butter? [ Ding! ]
-Oh, my God! ♪♪ [ Laughter and applause ] -Get this out.
-It seems so easy. -Yeah? It seems so easy,
well, get ready, you’re about to play this game.
Oh, man. Get ready.
Oh, you are good at that. All right, here we go. [ Audience groans ] -The reaction is the worst part. [ Laughter ] I make fun of it.
I’ve been watching this game. -Ugh! Ew!
-Stop it. [ Laughter ] -Ow!
-What was that? [ Laughter ] Okay, I’m going this side.
-Okay, no! [ Screaming ]
-[ Screaming ] What is it? Jimmy!
[ Laughter ] -Trust me, I won’t —
seriously, I’m being serious. -Oh.
-Do whatever you touch with that hand.
Yeah, that’s it. Yep. Go right in. -No. -I promise you. Trust me. That hand. That hand. -I’m sweating now.
-Trust me. It’s that hand. You’ve got it. You’ve got it.
That’s it. Feel what that is. You can squish it
between your fingers. -No!
Oh, God, is it an ant farm? [ Laughter ] [ Buzzer ]
[ Sad tuba plays ] -It’s not an ant farm.
It was — It’s a sand castle. -Oh.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-That’s close. I mean, ant farm was close. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah. -Wow.
-Maybe we’ll give you credit. I know, it’s tough right?
-Wow. -It’s a mental game, right?
-Holy cow. -All right, oh, no.
This one looks big. Why is this box bigger
than the other box? [ Audience oohs ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Ominous music plays ] -You’ve got to go down. [ Laughter ] I mean, once you —
once you feel the top, you’ll want to go down.
[ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ ♪♪ I don’t even know what it is. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ Oh, my gosh. You’ve got this.
You got it! No! [ Screaming ]
-[ Screaming ] [ Laughter ]
-Is it — did it lick me? [ Laughter ] There’s wetness. There’s wetness
on my finger right now. Something liquidy is in there. -Yeah. -Oh, it’s liquid. It’s warm. It’s going to be an amphibian.
It’s going to be a frog. A frog. -I’m looking at it,
and I have no idea what it is. [ Buzzer ] -Should I just try to touch it
one more time? [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -It appears to be docile. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -[ Screaming ] Ew! Ew! Gross! Disgusting! Ew! Was it an eel or a snake
or something? An eel? What is that? -I don’t know what it is.
[ Buzzer ] -What is that? Ew! [ Laughter ] Are you joking me? That is not in the rules at all
or any respect for me at all. What in the hell is that?
-I have no idea. -What is that? -It’s a lung fish.
-Lung fish? What is a lung fish?
-I don’t know. -Oh, my God.
Is it like a catfish? -He’s a sleepy lung fish. [ Audience awws ] I want to touch him. Aw, guys. I want to cook it.
-All right — Oh, my God. [ Laughter and applause ] No cooking any of our animals.
-That’s where my mind goes. -All right, you are up now.
Here you go. Good luck. It’s fun.
It’s going to be fine. [ Audience groans ] You want a hint?
-I mean, yes. -Have you seen “Jurassic Park”?
-Oh, my gosh! [ Laughter ] Is it Bryce Dallas Howard?
[ Laughter ] -I wish. [ Cheers and applause ] -You guys. [ Ominous music plays ] -Dude, just —
This is legendary, dude. That’s all I’m saying. -[ Screaming ] [ Laughter ] ♪♪ What happened? What happened?
What happened? -It bit me.
-Oh, my gosh. Well, it bit you.
We can give this one away. It is a toy. It’s a toy dinosaur. [ Sad tuba plays ] [ Applause ] It didn’t really bite you. Send whoever’s in here away. -I’m sorry.
-Was that frightening? -I thought it could have
been John for a second. -Oh, my gosh.
-I know. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. This is real.
-This is real, right? -People don’t get it. [ Audience ohhs ] -Wait! Wait!
-I’m out. -We’re supposed to do
this together. -No, man. No! No. -This is —
-No. This is my —
-What are you talking about? This last one we’re supposed
to one-hand in together. -No! -Well, now you’ve seen it!
-I saw it. I’m 1,000% not. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ This is might be the worst one
I’ve ever seen on here! -Stop it right now.
-That’s all I want to say. [ Laughs ] -[ Screaming ] [ Laughter ] -Too mad, so sad, everything — -Okay. [ Laughter ] You guys… [ Audience cheering ] -I have no idea what it is
at all. But I did touch it right? [ Buzzer ]
-That was good though. -I’ll guess. Is it a snake
or something like that? Or — is it a lizard?
-No. -Oh, is it a frog?
-No. Ew!
[ Sad tuba plays ] [ Laughter ]
Are you out of your mind?! What in the — what? Is that cockroaches?! -Yeah.
-Are you out of your mind?! -Like I —
-Oh, my gosh! -I’ll touch anything, but…
-Oh, my gosh! ♪♪ -My thanks to Chrissy Teigen.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Jake Gyllenhaal Is Obsessed with Tom Holland as Spider-Man


-Congrats, by the way, on the new Marvel chapter
in your life. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Oh, thank you. Mysterio.
-They know. Dude, it was a big deal
when the trailer came out. You’re gonna be Mysterio
in the new “Spider-Man.” -Yes.
-And I was psyched about that. And I saw that Ryan Reynolds,
our pal, posted a — I’m gonna cross this out ’cause there was a couple
dirty words. You can’t see it.
-Oh, wow. -Ryan Reynolds posted a photo
of you and Hugh Jackman at a holiday party. -That’s Photoshopped.
We weren’t actually together. [ Laughter ] -And it said, “These dudes
said it was a sweater party.” So, you —
[ Laughter ] Yeah. I think it’s the greatest
photo — greatest reaction. I just loved that.
And I thought it was great. So then,
you finally joined Instagram. -Yeah.
-You, what — I mean — [ Cheers and applause ]
-You’re the last holdout! -Thank you!
I mean — -You’re the last holdout, dude.
We’ve been waiting for you. -The last person
to join Instagram. -Yes, Instagram’s
been waiting for you. -Yeah, I came to the conclusion that nobody cares
about anything anymore, so I should join Instagram.
[ Laughter ] -No, people — They care.
-Oh, they do? -Yeah.
That’s why they join Instagram. -Oh, yeah, no.
-They care about everybody. -I’m not even sure
if I’m on Instagram. -You’re definitely on.
-I am? -I’ve seen you on Instagram.
-No, I’m on Instagram. -Yeah, you are.
-I’m on Instagram. -Well, you took that photo —
That was that photo. And then, you took —
You Photoshopped that photo. And then, you,
Deadpool, you’re on Wolverine — Is that bubble boy?
-Yes, that is bubble — [ Laughter ] And Spider-Man, too,
in the corner. -Yeah, that’s Spidey
over there in the corner. -That’s Spider-Man
in the corner. That’s actually
a guy named Bosslogic. He did that actually. -Oh, is that
who did that for you? -Yeah, we should give
a shout-out to that guy, ’cause I have
no artistic skill whatsoever. There’d be no possibility
that I could pull that off. -Bosslogic?
-Bosslogic, yeah. -“Baas” or “Boss”?
-I don’t know, man. -I mean, do you know somebody
named Bosslogic? -That’s the guy
who did that picture — Bosslogic.
“Ba-sla-jik.” -“Ba-sla-jik”?
-“Ba-sla-jik.” -His name is “Bas-laji.”
-“Bas-laji.” -Oh, Bosslogic.
-It’s Bosslogic. -Oh, my gosh.
Yeah, no, of course. -He’s amazing.
-Nikolai Baslajic, yeah. [ Laughter ]
He’s a CIA agent. He’s wanted in 30 countries.
Yes! -Baslajica?
-Yes, in Baslajica. Baslajica — that’s where
he’s from, of course. But, dude,
here’s you as Mysterio. Look at this.
You came on the screen, people went “Whoa!”
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, and how’s —
See what I’m saying, dude? -Who knew —
Who knew that — The thing is, is like,
those are the actual green lasers
that I shoot out of my hands. -Yes, I’ve known that for years. -That’s what I can do,
and that’s why they hired me. -And finally, you can put that
to good use in a film. -Yeah, finally!
Finally! -I mean, you play tricks when you’re in movie theaters
and stuff. -When I was a kid,
my dad’s like, “What are we gonna do
with this kid.” -Laser hands!
Oh, my gosh. And now, here you are
in a big-time movie. -Yeah!
It paid off, man. -How’s Tom Holland?
-He’s great, dude. -Dude, he’s great?
-He’s awesome. -Yeah, he’s good.
-He’s the nicest guy. In the world.
-He is. -I’m super into him
as Spider-Man. -Yeah.
But I think it’s more fun what you’re doing on Instagram. You’re kind of
trolling him a little bit. -My God.
This whole Instagram thing… You’re really into it.
-Dude, I’m totally — -You are obsessed
with my Instagram. -Oh, yes, your Instagram.
-[ Laughing ] Yeah, follow Jake on Instagram,
@jakegyllenhaal. -That’s my name.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ] I’m surprised you got that name ’cause you weren’t
on Instagram so long. Somebody else probably took it. -I think someone
snatched it up pretty early. -Did you have to buy it
from a stranger? -[ Laughs ]
[ Laughter ] -That said
that they were Jake Gyllenhaal? -No.
Someone got it for me. [ Laughter ] -Just tell me.
-I got friends. -Was it Baslajic?
-Baslajic. [ Laughter ] -I don’t know about that guy.
That guy can do anything. You want it done,
call Baslajic. -Bosslogic is freaking out
right now. -He will take care of it, man. He will take care
of all of it. -I had it.
Someone had it. I don’t know how he had it,
but we had it. -Well, you have it now.
It’s @jakegyllenhaal. And you posted this funny thing,
I thought, of Tom Holland. I think he was
just doing an interview. You took all the vocals —
all the audio out of his interview,
added this weird music. Just watch. ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -Oh!
-Yeah. -He’s just…amazing. [ Laughter ] -He’s just dreamy.
-He just is.

MASKED SPIDER Ep01 – Spider-man vs Venom !!!! 【Marvel’s Spider-man Parody】

MASKED SPIDER Ep01 – Spider-man vs Venom !!!! 【Marvel’s Spider-man Parody】


Hahahaha…hahahahaha… I am finally free!!! hahahaha… look where I am now. Hmm..I believe this dirt ball is called the Earth. I’m not sensing any powerful being here. I guess I would have no trouble conquering this planet. Time to stretch that arm muscles a bit. After all it has been 500 years. Hahaha, the rocks here are softer than I’ve expected. I’m gonna have so much fun here. Earth is not your playground, alien. Alien monster! Leave Earth at once! Or you will face the consequences!! Well, well, well… what do we have here? Get lost, Earthling, before I crush all your bones. I am not afraid of you. I will do anything to protect the Earth, even if it costs my life!! Transform! Spider Force!! Masked Spiderman Cartoon Hooligans Presents Masked Spiderman versus Kaijin Venom Alien monster! Leave Earth at once! or I will defeat you!! You have a pretty big mouth for a small creature like you! But not as big as… MY TWO FIST!!! Take THIS!!! Huh? I will not stop until this is finished! I will not quit until you are destroyed!! I will not stand down until Earth is safe from monster like YOU!!! Why you annoying little creature… Maximum Power!! Spiderrr Kickkk!!! The victory is mine. Evil shall not prevail, when Masked Spider is here. Masked Spider eh? I have finally found you. I knew I was not the only one with that kind of power. Who is this guy? What is he talking about?! My Spider Sense is tingling like crazy!! Something is terribly wrong here! Ant Force!! Transform!! To be continued? Thanks for watching. Don’t forget to subscribe to our channel and click here for more awesome videos!

Jussie Smollett Indicted & The DOJ Meddles in Roger Stone’s Case | The Daily Show

Jussie Smollett Indicted & The DOJ Meddles in Roger Stone’s Case | The Daily Show


Jussie Smollett, Empire actor
and black Pinocchio. A year ago,
he told an incredible story about being jumped on the street
by two Trump supporters. And now someone
might finally go to jail for that attack. The dramatic new turn
that’s thrust the Jussie Smollett case back
into the spotlight. That’s right. He’s once again
facing charges in Chicago for claiming he was the victim
of a hate crime attack. NEWSMAN: This morning, Smollett
is facing six new charges of disorderly conduct
for lying to police. The move a stunning reversal
after prosecutors dropped all 16 charges
the actor originally faced. In this new indictment,
the special prosecutor’s office says Smollett
made numerous false statements to Chicago police
on multiple occasions, reporting a heinous hate crime that he, in fact,
knew had not occurred. Yes, Jussie Smollett is back
in the headlines, this time for being indicted over reporting
a fake hate crime. And it really sounds bad until you remember
that his plan all along was to get a recurring
story line that doesn’t go away. So he kind of got
what he wanted, you know? This is what he wanted. And look, I know
what Jussie did was wrong. But I won’t lie.
At the same time, I kind of feel bad for him,
all right? Because he gets into trouble now
for calling in fake crimes, but those Permit Pattys who made
those bullshit calls to 911, they live their lives.
They just do their thing. -(cheering and applause)
-In fact, maybe… Maybe that should be
Jussie’s punishment. He should be forced to get
a white lady nickname. That should be it. Yeah? Everywhere he goes,
people will be like, “Well, well, well,
there goes Subway Smollett. There he is.” But let’s move on
to Roger Stone, Trump campaign aide and the Monopoly Man’s
cocaine dealer. This week,
he was about to be sentenced for lying to the FBI
and threatening witnesses. But luckily, he’s got friends
in Oval places. NEWSMAN: Late tonight,
all four federal prosecutors on the Roger Stone case
have quit after the department undercut
their recommended sentence. Just yesterday,
those career prosecutors recommended he get seven
to nine years behind bars. But late tonight,
the DOJ in a filing calling
the initial recommendation excessive and unwarranted just hours
after President Trump tweeted overnight,
blasting the sentence prosecutors
initially recommended as horrible and very unfair. The president deny
he had anything to do with it. Yeah, I thought
it was ridiculous that… No, I didn’t,
because the Justice… I’d be able to do it
if I wanted. I have the absolute right
to do it. Uh, I stay out of things, uh, to a degree
that people wouldn’t believe. “That’s right, folks.
That’s right. “I stay out of things. “I stay out of everything. “Intelligence briefings,
church, Melania’s bedroom. “I stay out of all of it. I stay out. Stay out.” (applause) This is actually crazy,
what happened here. The Justice Department
recommended Roger Stone get seven to nine years
in prison, all right? Trump then tweets that their recommendation
is too harsh, so they then cancel
their recommendation. And then Trump says
he’s totally staying out of it. That’s not what he did.
He’s staying out of it the same way the Kool-Aid Man
stays out of a room. “Did use the door? Oh, no.” (laughter) Because here’s the thing. Trump is acting like
his Twitter account can’t influence
the Justice Department, like they can’t see his tweets. You know,
it’s like someone saying, “I didn’t ask her to marry me. “I just had ‘will you marry me?’
written in the sky. Anybody could have said yes.
It could have been anybody.” And not only was it wrong for Trump to get involved
in his friend’s case, it was also totally unnecessary
because there… If there’s one person who looks
like he can break out of prison on his own, it’s this guy. All right, and finally, you guys remember
how the Titanic crashed? Well, uh, it happened again. A new report claims
the wreck of the Titanic was hit by a submarine
last year, but the U.S. government
kept it a secret. That’s according to
legal documents reviewed by the British newspaper
The Telegraph. It says a $35 million
underwater vehicle hit the Titanic wreckage
in July. It comes ahead of what could be
a landmark court battle over the future
of the wreckage. Yo, this is insane. The Titanic was involved
in another crash? Oh, their Nationwide premiums are totally going
through the roof, man. I’m glad that no one was hurt. ‘Cause how would you explain
that to people? Yeah? It’d just be like, “Brian died in the Titanic. Yeah, this year,
this year, yeah.” Titanic versus submarine
is such a weird story. I mean, technically, though
the Titanic is also a submarine. Yeah, really,
any ship can be a submarine if your captain is shitty
enough, when you think about it. You know what would be crazy
though? Is if getting hit makes
the Titanic un-sink. Like,
that could be a rule, right? If you crash, you go down. If you crash again,
you get to come up. Yeah.
So now it floats up to the top, and then they’re back up
on the surface. Everyone’s like,
“Yeah! We’re alive!” And then the iceberg shows up,
like, “Well, well, who didn’t learn their lesson?”

Doo Bee Doo

Doo Bee Doo


(bird noises) You’re the sock in my shoe Doo Bee Doo Doo Bee Doo And you’re the teeth in my chew Doo Bee Doo Doo Bee Doo And you’re the skyscraper in my sky-y-y-y-y Waooo-oooo Waooo-ooo Waooo-ooo You’re the salt in my tears Doo Bee Doo Doo Bee Doo And you’re the wax in my ears Doo Bee Doo Doo Bee Doo And you’re the question mark in my Why-y-y-y-y-y? Waoo-ooo Waooo-ooo Waooo-ooo You’re the jam in my toes Doo Bee Doo Doo Bee Doo And you’re the snot in my nose Doo Bee Doo Doo Bee Doo And you’re the ounce of truth in my lies Waooo-ooo Waooo-ooo Waooo-ooo Oooo-oooo-oooh

P;laying the Honey Bee Tree Game with Blaze against Zootopia Toys

P;laying the Honey Bee Tree Game with Blaze against Zootopia Toys


– [Assistant] Family fun for everyone. – [Director] Wait a
minute, what game is this? – [Assistant] Honeybee
Tree, don’t get stung. – [Director] That’s right, Honeybee Tree. And I’m playing as Blaze
from Blaze and the… – [Assistant] Monster Machines. – [Director] And look, oh you know what, you can be Judy Hopps, and
she can ride inside of Blaze. Oh, sorry. So, let’s play the
game, what do you think? – [Assistant] Okay, let’s play. – [Director] Let’s play. So, here it is. Now, assistant, what we have to do, is we have to pull out these leaves, and inside of it are all these bees. – [Assistant] Don’t sting you! – [Director] Ahhh, look at all these bees. – [Assistant] That’s a queen bee. – [Director] Bees please. Hey, you know what? Maybe we should only talking
with words that start with the letter B, like because. – [Assistant] Okay. – [Director] Well, maybe not. So, whoever has the
fewest bees is the winner. So, the assistant pulled
out the first one. – [Assistant] And we’re
winning for a cookie. – [Director] Yeah, and the winner wins this chocolate chip cookie, would you like a bite? – [Assistant] Oooo. – [Director] You gotta win first! So, neither of us have gotten, the assistant got her first bee. I got a bee. We each have one bee. Bzzz, oh did I scare you? – [Assistant] No. – [Director] Did you think it was a bee? Ready? Bzzz, oh nope. Alright, oh I think you pulled too hard. So she’s got here second bee. Two bees for the assistant, only one for me. (upbeat music) I’m still winning, I’m still winning. Okay, here I go assistant, no bees please. I didn’t get a bee, yay. You got two, I got one. I’m gonna pull this one, oh what? I didn’t even pull it. I got two. Oh no, assistant, you’re winning. I’ve got three bees, you’ve only have two. – [Assistant] Let’s get that one. – [Director] I’m gonna get this one. – [Assistant] Uh, this one. – [Director] Oh, she got a bee. She’s up to three bees. I’m gonna get this one over here. Ah, I got a fourth bee. Ah, I got a fifth bee. All I did was touch it. Alright, I’ve got five,
the assistant’s got three. Oh, man. Uh-oh. What? I got how many? I got five. Now I’m got ten bees,
and you only have three. No fair. – [Assistant] I think
I’m gonna win this round. – [Director] Alright, you go next. I’ve got ten, you’ve got three. (upbeat music) You got four. I’m gonna pull this one over here. Ah, I got twelve and the
assistant’s got four. She’s got five. I got all but… All of them. (laughter) Oh no assistant, you won. Aw man, look at all these bees I have. Should we play one more time? Yeah, one more time. Okay, we’re ready for game number two. Okay assistant, you can go first. Not that one! Oh wait a minute, just kidding. She pulled one, I pulled one. I’m not gonna lose this time. I’m gonna be a better beekeeper than her. She got her first bee. – [Assistant] Hey, don’t brag, please. – [Director] I’m not, I’m
just telling everybody how she got a bee. Ooh, she got a second bee. – [Assistant] That was yours. – [Director] No, no,
no, your hand was on it. Alright, so you’ve got
two, and I’ve got one. – [Assistant] No, you’ve
got two and I’ve got one. – [Director] Yeah, yeah,
yeah, you wish I got two, you won the first game. Let’s see which one she picks. Alright, my turn. Oh no, we’re tied, two bees a piece. I’ll hold it. Oh, you got two more. She’s got four and I’ve got two. Oh, no, you’re up to seven, I’ve got two. Three there and four there, that’s seven. Alright, let’s see which one you can get. You got two and you didn’t
even pull one out yet. Well, you had seven, then
you had two, that’s nine. Plus five more, you’ve got twelve. That’s a lot of bees. I got three. You got all of those. I got two. I’m gonna pull out this
one, way over here. I pulled out two, I guess you
gotta pull out the last one. – [Assistant] I lose. – [Director] Oh, the assistant lost, but you know what that means? We’re gonna split the cookie. – [Assistant] I call this piece. Hey, before you start eating the cookie, what does it say right there? – [Assistant] Subscribe here
to the Engineering Family, and I hope you liked this video, and also give us a thumbs up. – [Director] She’s just
gonna say it really fast, so she can eat her cookie. – [Assistant] And follow
us on Facebook and Twitter. So, I hope you liked this
video, just like you. – [Director] So, follow us
on Facebook and Twitter. Give us a thumbs up, and I think our spelling word is gonna be, bee. B-E-E spells… – [Assistant] Jynx, you can’t talk until I say your name five times. – [Director] You think so, huh? – [Assistant] Director, director, director, director, director. You’re allowed to talk. – [Director] Alright, so spell bee B-E-E, and that way you’ll know how to spell bee. It’s better to spell than to get stuck, bye everyone. – [Assistant] Bye, see you next time on the Engineering Family, bye. – [Director] Hey there everyone, thanks for watching our video. Now, make sure that you subscribe
to the Engineering Family, so you can see lots of cool videos. In fact, there’s another
cool video right there. You can select and watch it. I think you’re really gonna like it. Is it Team Umizoomi, Paw
Patrol, Surprise Eggs, Frozen, Blade, Masha? There are so many videos to watch, bye!

James Corden Has Issues with Valentine’s Day

James Corden Has Issues with Valentine’s Day


TALK ABOUT, LET’S GET STARTED. AS YOU KNOW TOMORROW IS
VALENTINE’S DAY. EVERYONE EXCITED? YES? (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BUT I UNDERSTAND YOUR EXCITEMENT BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL
VALENTINE’S DAY IS AMERICA’S FAVORITE HOLIDAY BEATING EVEN
CHRISTMAS. YEAH. (LAUGHTER)
WHICH IS AMAZING BECAUSE IT ISN’T A [BLEEP] HOLIDAY. (LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) YOU HONESTLY, I’M TELLING YOU,
YOU AMERICANS HAVE GOT TO STOP WITH THESE MADE UP FAKE
HOLIDAYS. (LAUGHTER)
WHERE DOES THIS END? WHAT IS NEXT, WE’RE ALL GOING TO
BUY EACH OTHER GIFTS FOR ARBOR DAY? I MEAN COME ON. LET’S JUST LET IT BE A DAY. I LIKE VALENTINE’S DAY, I DO. WHAT’S NOT TO LIKE. THERE IS CANDY, THERE IS
CHOCOLATE, THAT IS THERE BIG HOLE INSIDE OF YOU YOU TRY TO
FILL WITH CANDY AND CHOCOLATES. SCRAL ENTIEN’S DAY OR AS A LOT
OF COUPLES CALL IT, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON’T WANT TO DO SOMETHING
THIS YEAR, HONEY, NO, I’M TOTALLY SURE, OKAY, WE WON’T. WHY AREN’T WE DOING ANYTHING. YOU CLEARLY DON’T LOVE ME DAY! YOU KNOW HOW I SAID OTHER
COUPLES AND NOT ME AND MY WIFE. (LAUGHTER)
HERE’S HOW MUCH AMERICANS LOVE THIS MADE UP HOLIDAY. ACCORDING TO ESTIMATE THIS YEAR
AMERICANS ARE EXPECTED TO SPEND AN AVERAGE OF $200 PER PERSON ON
VALENTINE’S DAY GIFTS. AND THEY WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE
IT IF YOU COULD PASS THAT INFORMATION ON TO THEIR
PARTNERS. PEOPLE PLAN TO SPEND $200 ON
GIFTS THIS YEAR. HERE’S HOW IT BREAKS DOWN. $5 ON A GIFT, AND THE REST ON
SAME DAY SHIPPING. (LAUGHTER)
IT’S TODAY, OH MY GOD. NOW VALENTINE’S DAY IS HARD FOR
SOME PEOPLE. AND IF YOU ARE DREADED TOMORROW
BECAUSE YOU HAVE RECENTLY BROKE UP WITH SOMEONE, DON’T WORRY, A
ZOO IN TEXAS HAS YOU COVERED, RIGHT. THEY SAID THEY WILL NAME A
COCKROACH AFTER YOUR EX AND FOR A SMALL DONATION THEY WILL FEED
IT TO A ZOO ANIMAL ON VALENTINE’S DAY. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
IT IS JUST A BIT OF FUN. LISTEN, IF YOUR ANSWER TO A BAD
BREAKUP IS COCKROACH SACRIFICE, I’M STARTING TO SEE WHY YOUR EX
LEFT YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE. A ZOO WILL WRITE YOUR EX’S NAME
ON A COCKROACH AND FEED IT TO AN ANIMAL. NOT TO BE OUTDONE A NEARBY
AQUARIUM WILL ALSO MAKE A SPECIAL DEDICATION IF YOUR EX
GAVE YOU CRABS. DON’T CLAP, DON’T YOU DARE,
STOP, NO, NO. NO. YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR THAT. WE’RE NOT, YOU ARE. AND IF YOUR TRUE LOVE, IF YOU
AND YOUR TRUE LOVE ARE STILL LOOKING FOR DINNER PLANS
TOMORROW NIGHT, ONE RESTAURANT CHAIN HAS RECENTLY BECOME QUITE
THE ROMANTIC HOT SPOT. THIS IS TRUE. THIS 24 HOUR ROADSIDE CHAIN
WAFFLE HOUSE IS NOW ACCEPTING RESERVATIONS FOR VALENTINE’S
DAY. AND THEY’RE EVEN OFFERING A
SPECIAL MENU FOR THE OCCASION. YEAH, YOU’VE HEARD OF
RESTAURANTS HAVING A BLUE PLATE SPECIAL. THIS IS MORE OF A RED FLAG
SPECIAL. (LAUGHTER)
AND THIS IS NICE. FOR AN EXTRA $5 YOU CAN GO
BEHIND THE WAFFLE HOUSE TO SELECT A COCKROACH TO FEED TO. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WAFFLE HOUSE IS OFFERING A SPECIAL MENU WHERE YOU CAN GET A
ROMANTIC VALENTINE’S DAY MEAL FOR TWO INCLUDING THIS STACK OF
PANCAKES THAT SAY GIRL, YOU CAN DO BETTER.

The Daily Show – Samantha Bee’s Goodbye

The Daily Show – Samantha Bee’s Goodbye


WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD A
FEW TIMES THIS YEAR. EACH TIME IT’S NOT EASY. TONIGHT MARKS THE END OF AN ERA,
THE FINAL SHOW OF THE LONGEST SERVING MEMBER OF THE GREATEST
[BLEEP] NEWS TEAM, SAMANTHA BEE. IT ALL STARTED BACK IN 2003 OT
THREE. THE BUSH PRESIDENCY WAS ENTERING
ITS TERRIBLE TWOs. THE IRAQ WAR WAS JUST STARTING. SO WE NEEDED A CORRESPONDENT, WE
LOOKED IN THE USUAL PLACES, YOUR LIQUOR STORES, YOUR BETTING
PARLORS, YOUR METHADONE CLINICS, AND OBVIOUSLY GOOGLE MAPS WAS
IN ITS NASCENT STAGES, AND WE TOOK A WRONG TURN,
WE ENDED UP IN CANADA. (LAUGHTER)
AND WE FOUND THIS, THIS, THIS JUST DELIGHTFUL, INCREDIBLY
FUNNY, PERSON, SAM BEE. SO WE HID HER IN THE TRUNK AND
RACED BACK OVER THE BORDER PURSUED BY MOUNTIES. CANADA HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS
LOSING.>>HAVE YOU HAD A HOT CARL SINCE
YOU’VE BEEN HERE?>>I HAVE NOT. I JUST,
YOU KNOW, THERE’S SO MUCH TO DO, I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO
DO EVERYTHING YET.>>I COULD TOTALLY SEE IF LONG
ISLAND SECEDED AS ITS OWN STATE.>>WE’RE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT
GROUP OF PEOPLE.>>WHAT STATE COULD YOU BEAT UP?>>IRELAND.>>I DON’T THINK THAT COUNTS.>>OH, STATES, I’M SORRY.>>OTHER STATES.>>I FEEL LIKE A RETARD NOW.>>OTHER STATES NOT IN EUROPE.>>STATEN ISLAND.>>OTHER STATES.>>CANADA?>>CANADA? OKAY.>>NONE OF THESE TOOLS ARE
STERILE.>>OKAY, WELL NEITHER IS THIS.
SO LET’S GO. GET STARTED. CAN I CALL YOU
BACK? MY MOM IS IN MY ROOM, AND SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME
ABOUT SOMETHING! I’M SAMANTHA BEE AND I WATCH
THE FIVE! IT’S THE TALE OF A WINSOME
BLONDE INGENUE, DANA PARINO. THERE’S GOT TO BE A CATCH! COULD YOU MAKE IT SNAPPY?
I’VE GOT PLACES TO BE. SERIOUSLY OKAY, DRIPPING WET BALLS. IGNORE THIS. BABY’S ON FIRE AGAIN. DAMN IT. YOU TWO TIMING MONSTER — AHHH! I’M THE ONE GETTING FLOWN OUT
OF THIS (BLEEP) POOL! ONE PILL MAKES YOU LARGER AND — LET IT RING!>>WELL I THINK A LOT OF THE
TIME IT FEELS LIKE A THANKLESS JOB. PEOPLE THINK OUR DAY ENDS AT
3:00 AND THAT’S NOT THE CASE. WE FEEL UNAPPRECIATED.>>GIVES MEN BASICALLY INSTANT
ERECTIONS. TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF DOING.>>OH BOY, OKAY, OKAY. HAVE YOU HAD YOUR PICTURE TAKEN
WITH A BLACK PERSON YET?>>WELL, I DON’T THINK SO, BUT I
WOULDN’T MIND DOING IT.>>THAT’S SOMETHING YOU WOULD BE
WILLING TO TRY?>>WHY, CERTAINLY.>>THERE’S PLENTY OF THEM.>>I KNOW.>>DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THEM IN
MONTANA?>>WE DON’T, YOU KNOW. WE DON’T
HAVE ANY. IN FACT, OUR KIDS WERE PRETTY
OLD BEFORE THEY SAW ONE.>>Jon: HERE’S A LITTLE
SOMETHING, SOME DAILY SHOW TRIVIA, OF ALL OF OUR
CORRESPONDENTS SAM IS ONLY THE THIRD CORRESPONDENT
TO EVER GET HER FACE STUCK IN A PENIS PUMP. BUT WHILE SHE COULD ALWAYS DO
THE SILLY, THE SAM PIECES THAT I LOVED THE BEST ARE THE ONES
CLOSEST TO HER HEART.>>SARAH PALIN TOOK THE STAGE
AND SILENCED HER CRITICS. BUT THERE’S ONE ISSUE FOR WHICH
SHE’S STILL BEING UNFAIRLY ATTACKED.>>IT’S VERY INAPPROPRIATE
THAT THE DEMOCRATS HAVE SEIZED ON THE ISSUE OF BRISTOL’S
PREGNANCY.>>I THINK IT’S A FAMILY ISSUE.>>YOU KNOW, SHE’S GOING TO HAVE
THE BABY, SHE’S GOING TO GET MARRIED..>>SHE SAID NO, IT’S A HUMAN
BEING.>>SHE MADE THE — I’M SORRY,
WHAT IS THE DECISION — THE DECISION — THERE’S ANOTHER
WORD I’M LOOKING FOR. I THINK IT RHYMES WITH VOICE. EVERY FAMILY AND EVERY WOMAN
SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO — I’M SORRY, WHAT’S THE WORD I’M
LOOKING FOR? IT’S HER FAMILY, IT’S HER —
GOD, WHAT IS THE WORD? WHAT IS THE WORD
I’M LOOKING FOR? IT’S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE A LOT
OF OPTIONS, AND YOU HAVE TO SELECT ONE. WHAT’S THE WORD
I’M LOOKING FOR? WHAT IS THE WORD I’M LOOKING
FOR?>>ADOPTION IS ONE.>>NO, THERE’S A SPECIFIC WORD
I’M LOOKING FOR.>>YES, BUT I DON’T THINK THE —
I DON’T THINK THAT THE DECISION — I THINK IT SHOULD
BE — NOT — I THINK THAT THE FAMILY DECISION WOULD BECOME —
THAT’S HOW — YES. OKAY.>>A DIFFERENT CHOICE? CHOICE! YES! EXACTLY! EVERY FAMILY, EVERY PERSON
SHOULD HAVE THE CHOICE TO DECIDE WHAT’S BEST FOR THEM!>>THERE MAY SEE A 10-YEAR-OLD
OUT THERE PICKING TOBACCO BUT YOU WON’T SEE HIM THERE ALL DAY.>>I WORK 12 HOURS A DAY IN THE
TOBACCO FARM.>>OR SOMETIMES A LITTLBE BIT
LONGER.>>OKAY, WOW. YOU’RE MAKING IT
VERY HARD FOR ME TO IRONICALLY SUPPORT
CHILD TOBACCO LABOR. THE PRESIDENT SAYS THAT HE WANTS
US TO TALK ABOUT RACE. SO LET’S TALK ABOUT RACE! YOU GO FIRST.>>I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT IF
YOU STARTED OFF.>>I DON’T THINK IT WOULD BE
GREAT AT ALL.>>IF YOU’RE SCARED, SAY YOU’RE
SCARED. (LAUGHTER)
>>WHY WOULD I BE SCARED? NO! I’M NOT AT ALL. I’M JUST INCREDIBLY
UNCOMFORTABLE.>>I KNOW THE PERCENTAGE IS SO
SMALL, SO SMALL OF A PERSON BECOMING PREGNANT FROM A RAPE
THAT I JUST DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THAT’S EVEN IN THE EQUATION
BECAUSE THEY SAY THAT PERCENTAGE IS JUST, LIKE, ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE. NOT IMPOSSIBLE BUT CLOSE, AND
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME CASES.>>YEAH, PROBABLY ABOUT 32,000 A
YEAR.>>IS IT 32? OKAY.
>>THOUSAND.>>YEAH, OKAY.
>>32,000.>>WOMEN IN COMBAT POSITIONS ARE
A THREAT TO MILITARY COHESION. IT’S NOT CLEAR THAT MEN CAN
ACTUALLY BOND WITH WOMEN. MEN JOIN THE INFANTRY BECAUSE
THEY WANT TO FIGHT.>>SORRY, EXCUSE ME FOR ONE
SECOND. OKAY. OKAY, THAT’S MUCH BETTER.
SORRY.>>GIRLS BECOME WOMEN BY GETTING
OLDER. BOYS BECOME MEN BY ACCOMPLISHING
SOMETHING, BY PROVING SOMETHING.>>OKAY. HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY MET A
WOMAN BEFORE?>>SEVERAL.>>UM… A WOMAN WHO DID NOT WANT TO
STRANGLE YOU?>>THE REVERSE HAPPENS AS WELL,
WHERE HOMOSEXUALS GO OUT AND FIND STRAIGHTS TO BEAT UP.>>REALLY?>>YEAH.>>ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? HEY! WATCH OUT! I’VE GOT A CHRISTIAN! GUYS! DAMN IT! IT’S LIKE YOU CAN’T EVEN GO ON
THE RADIO ANYMORE AND CONDEMN A WHOLE SUBSET OF PEOPLE TO HELL
WITHOUT GETTING SOME BLOWBACK.>>WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY IT
DOES SOUND RATHER ARROGANT, MYOPIC, NARROW-MINDED AND
BIGOTED.>>GOOD, THEN I’VE DONE MY JOB.>>Jon: PLEASE WELCOME OUR
SENIOR, SENIOR CORRESPONDENT CORRESPONDENT SAMANTHA BEE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)