The Daily Show – Samantha Bee’s Goodbye

The Daily Show – Samantha Bee’s Goodbye


WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD A
FEW TIMES THIS YEAR. EACH TIME IT’S NOT EASY. TONIGHT MARKS THE END OF AN ERA,
THE FINAL SHOW OF THE LONGEST SERVING MEMBER OF THE GREATEST
[BLEEP] NEWS TEAM, SAMANTHA BEE. IT ALL STARTED BACK IN 2003 OT
THREE. THE BUSH PRESIDENCY WAS ENTERING
ITS TERRIBLE TWOs. THE IRAQ WAR WAS JUST STARTING. SO WE NEEDED A CORRESPONDENT, WE
LOOKED IN THE USUAL PLACES, YOUR LIQUOR STORES, YOUR BETTING
PARLORS, YOUR METHADONE CLINICS, AND OBVIOUSLY GOOGLE MAPS WAS
IN ITS NASCENT STAGES, AND WE TOOK A WRONG TURN,
WE ENDED UP IN CANADA. (LAUGHTER)
AND WE FOUND THIS, THIS, THIS JUST DELIGHTFUL, INCREDIBLY
FUNNY, PERSON, SAM BEE. SO WE HID HER IN THE TRUNK AND
RACED BACK OVER THE BORDER PURSUED BY MOUNTIES. CANADA HAD NO IDEA WHAT IT WAS
LOSING.>>HAVE YOU HAD A HOT CARL SINCE
YOU’VE BEEN HERE?>>I HAVE NOT. I JUST,
YOU KNOW, THERE’S SO MUCH TO DO, I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO
DO EVERYTHING YET.>>I COULD TOTALLY SEE IF LONG
ISLAND SECEDED AS ITS OWN STATE.>>WE’RE A TOTALLY DIFFERENT
GROUP OF PEOPLE.>>WHAT STATE COULD YOU BEAT UP?>>IRELAND.>>I DON’T THINK THAT COUNTS.>>OH, STATES, I’M SORRY.>>OTHER STATES.>>I FEEL LIKE A RETARD NOW.>>OTHER STATES NOT IN EUROPE.>>STATEN ISLAND.>>OTHER STATES.>>CANADA?>>CANADA? OKAY.>>NONE OF THESE TOOLS ARE
STERILE.>>OKAY, WELL NEITHER IS THIS.
SO LET’S GO. GET STARTED. CAN I CALL YOU
BACK? MY MOM IS IN MY ROOM, AND SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME
ABOUT SOMETHING! I’M SAMANTHA BEE AND I WATCH
THE FIVE! IT’S THE TALE OF A WINSOME
BLONDE INGENUE, DANA PARINO. THERE’S GOT TO BE A CATCH! COULD YOU MAKE IT SNAPPY?
I’VE GOT PLACES TO BE. SERIOUSLY OKAY, DRIPPING WET BALLS. IGNORE THIS. BABY’S ON FIRE AGAIN. DAMN IT. YOU TWO TIMING MONSTER — AHHH! I’M THE ONE GETTING FLOWN OUT
OF THIS (BLEEP) POOL! ONE PILL MAKES YOU LARGER AND — LET IT RING!>>WELL I THINK A LOT OF THE
TIME IT FEELS LIKE A THANKLESS JOB. PEOPLE THINK OUR DAY ENDS AT
3:00 AND THAT’S NOT THE CASE. WE FEEL UNAPPRECIATED.>>GIVES MEN BASICALLY INSTANT
ERECTIONS. TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF DOING.>>OH BOY, OKAY, OKAY. HAVE YOU HAD YOUR PICTURE TAKEN
WITH A BLACK PERSON YET?>>WELL, I DON’T THINK SO, BUT I
WOULDN’T MIND DOING IT.>>THAT’S SOMETHING YOU WOULD BE
WILLING TO TRY?>>WHY, CERTAINLY.>>THERE’S PLENTY OF THEM.>>I KNOW.>>DO YOU HAVE ANY OF THEM IN
MONTANA?>>WE DON’T, YOU KNOW. WE DON’T
HAVE ANY. IN FACT, OUR KIDS WERE PRETTY
OLD BEFORE THEY SAW ONE.>>Jon: HERE’S A LITTLE
SOMETHING, SOME DAILY SHOW TRIVIA, OF ALL OF OUR
CORRESPONDENTS SAM IS ONLY THE THIRD CORRESPONDENT
TO EVER GET HER FACE STUCK IN A PENIS PUMP. BUT WHILE SHE COULD ALWAYS DO
THE SILLY, THE SAM PIECES THAT I LOVED THE BEST ARE THE ONES
CLOSEST TO HER HEART.>>SARAH PALIN TOOK THE STAGE
AND SILENCED HER CRITICS. BUT THERE’S ONE ISSUE FOR WHICH
SHE’S STILL BEING UNFAIRLY ATTACKED.>>IT’S VERY INAPPROPRIATE
THAT THE DEMOCRATS HAVE SEIZED ON THE ISSUE OF BRISTOL’S
PREGNANCY.>>I THINK IT’S A FAMILY ISSUE.>>YOU KNOW, SHE’S GOING TO HAVE
THE BABY, SHE’S GOING TO GET MARRIED..>>SHE SAID NO, IT’S A HUMAN
BEING.>>SHE MADE THE — I’M SORRY,
WHAT IS THE DECISION — THE DECISION — THERE’S ANOTHER
WORD I’M LOOKING FOR. I THINK IT RHYMES WITH VOICE. EVERY FAMILY AND EVERY WOMAN
SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO — I’M SORRY, WHAT’S THE WORD I’M
LOOKING FOR? IT’S HER FAMILY, IT’S HER —
GOD, WHAT IS THE WORD? WHAT IS THE WORD
I’M LOOKING FOR? IT’S LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE A LOT
OF OPTIONS, AND YOU HAVE TO SELECT ONE. WHAT’S THE WORD
I’M LOOKING FOR? WHAT IS THE WORD I’M LOOKING
FOR?>>ADOPTION IS ONE.>>NO, THERE’S A SPECIFIC WORD
I’M LOOKING FOR.>>YES, BUT I DON’T THINK THE —
I DON’T THINK THAT THE DECISION — I THINK IT SHOULD
BE — NOT — I THINK THAT THE FAMILY DECISION WOULD BECOME —
THAT’S HOW — YES. OKAY.>>A DIFFERENT CHOICE? CHOICE! YES! EXACTLY! EVERY FAMILY, EVERY PERSON
SHOULD HAVE THE CHOICE TO DECIDE WHAT’S BEST FOR THEM!>>THERE MAY SEE A 10-YEAR-OLD
OUT THERE PICKING TOBACCO BUT YOU WON’T SEE HIM THERE ALL DAY.>>I WORK 12 HOURS A DAY IN THE
TOBACCO FARM.>>OR SOMETIMES A LITTLBE BIT
LONGER.>>OKAY, WOW. YOU’RE MAKING IT
VERY HARD FOR ME TO IRONICALLY SUPPORT
CHILD TOBACCO LABOR. THE PRESIDENT SAYS THAT HE WANTS
US TO TALK ABOUT RACE. SO LET’S TALK ABOUT RACE! YOU GO FIRST.>>I THINK IT WOULD BE GREAT IF
YOU STARTED OFF.>>I DON’T THINK IT WOULD BE
GREAT AT ALL.>>IF YOU’RE SCARED, SAY YOU’RE
SCARED. (LAUGHTER)
>>WHY WOULD I BE SCARED? NO! I’M NOT AT ALL. I’M JUST INCREDIBLY
UNCOMFORTABLE.>>I KNOW THE PERCENTAGE IS SO
SMALL, SO SMALL OF A PERSON BECOMING PREGNANT FROM A RAPE
THAT I JUST DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THAT’S EVEN IN THE EQUATION
BECAUSE THEY SAY THAT PERCENTAGE IS JUST, LIKE, ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE. NOT IMPOSSIBLE BUT CLOSE, AND
THERE HAVE BEEN SOME CASES.>>YEAH, PROBABLY ABOUT 32,000 A
YEAR.>>IS IT 32? OKAY.
>>THOUSAND.>>YEAH, OKAY.
>>32,000.>>WOMEN IN COMBAT POSITIONS ARE
A THREAT TO MILITARY COHESION. IT’S NOT CLEAR THAT MEN CAN
ACTUALLY BOND WITH WOMEN. MEN JOIN THE INFANTRY BECAUSE
THEY WANT TO FIGHT.>>SORRY, EXCUSE ME FOR ONE
SECOND. OKAY. OKAY, THAT’S MUCH BETTER.
SORRY.>>GIRLS BECOME WOMEN BY GETTING
OLDER. BOYS BECOME MEN BY ACCOMPLISHING
SOMETHING, BY PROVING SOMETHING.>>OKAY. HAVE YOU EVER ACTUALLY MET A
WOMAN BEFORE?>>SEVERAL.>>UM… A WOMAN WHO DID NOT WANT TO
STRANGLE YOU?>>THE REVERSE HAPPENS AS WELL,
WHERE HOMOSEXUALS GO OUT AND FIND STRAIGHTS TO BEAT UP.>>REALLY?>>YEAH.>>ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? HEY! WATCH OUT! I’VE GOT A CHRISTIAN! GUYS! DAMN IT! IT’S LIKE YOU CAN’T EVEN GO ON
THE RADIO ANYMORE AND CONDEMN A WHOLE SUBSET OF PEOPLE TO HELL
WITHOUT GETTING SOME BLOWBACK.>>WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY IT
DOES SOUND RATHER ARROGANT, MYOPIC, NARROW-MINDED AND
BIGOTED.>>GOOD, THEN I’VE DONE MY JOB.>>Jon: PLEASE WELCOME OUR
SENIOR, SENIOR CORRESPONDENT CORRESPONDENT SAMANTHA BEE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Nathan For You – Exterminator

Nathan For You – Exterminator


AND THE MANAGER
OF BUGS “A” TO “Z,” A PEST-CONTROL COMPANY BASED OUT OF WOODLAND HILLS,
CALIFORNIA, AND HE’S DESPERATE
TO EXPAND HIS BUSINESS BEYOND THE RESIDENTIAL
HOMES HE NORMALLY SERVICES.
– IT’D BE GREAT IF, I MEAN,
WE LAND ANY KIND OF HOTEL WORK.
– JAVIER WANTED A CONTRACT
WITH A MAJOR HOTEL,
AND I HAD THE PERFECT METHOD
TO WIN HIM THAT DEAL. RATHER THAN MAKING IT
LOOK LIKE THE HOTEL HAS AN EXTERMINATOR VISITING,
WHY DON’T YOU INSTEAD MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE HOTEL
IS WINNING AN AWARD? – RIGHT. – EVERY HOTEL’S GREATEST FEAR IS
HAVING TO HIRE AN EXTERMINATOR, BECAUSE THEIR ARRIVAL
IS BASICALLY AN ANNOUNCEMENT THAT THE HOTEL HAS PESTS, SO IF JAVIER COULD DISGUISE
HIS PURPOSE TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE’S THERE
TO GIVE THE HOTEL AN AWARD, HE’D NOT ONLY DELIGHT GUESTS, BUT SURELY WIN A CONTRACT
WITH THE HOTEL THAT WANTS TO KEEP
THEIR PEST PROBLEM A SECRET. – NOW, HOW–I MEAN,
DO I SHOW UP WITH– I MEAN, I JUST–
I-I–AS FAR AS, I MEAN– – IF CUSTOMERS SEE YOU
COMING IN, THEY’RE ACTUALLY
GONNA BE LIKE, “OH, THIS HOTEL
IS REALLY GOOD,” YOU KNOW, RATHER THAN SEEING
AN EXTERMINATOR AND BEING LIKE,
“OH, THIS HOTEL IS NOT SO GOOD.” – [laughs]
YOU’VE DONE THIS BEFORE. YOU KNOW,
YOU’RE A BUSINESS MAJOR. I MEAN, WHAT’S THE WORST
THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN? – JAVIER WAS ON BOARD
WITH THE CONCEPT. SO, TO SELL THIS TO A HOTEL,
I NEEDED TO SHOW THEM EXACTLY HOW THE SYSTEM
WOULD WORK, SO I HAD ONE OF JAVIER’S
SERVICE VANS REWRAPPED TO LOOK LIKE A DELIVERY VEHICLE
FOR THE HOTEL EXCELLENCE AWARDS, A VERY PRESTIGIOUS ORGANIZATION
THAT I MADE UP. THEN JAVIER AND I WORKED
TO DEVELOP A DISCREET METHOD FOR EXTERMINATING
EVERY ROOM IN A HOTEL. LIKE, SOME SORT OF SECRET…
– A COMPARTMENT OR OR AN OPENING.
– COMPARTMENT THAT OPENS UP. WITH THE SYSTEM NOW IN PLACE,
I GOT PERMISSION FROM THE HISTORIC MAYFAIR HOTEL
TO SHOOT A DEMONSTRATION VIDEO OF OUR METHOD THAT WE COULD THEN
PRESENT TO THEIR MANAGEMENT. IT BEGINS BY ARRIVING
IN OUR COVERT VEHICLE, THEN REMOVING WHAT LOOKS
LIKE A LARGE TROPHY THAT’S BEING AWARDED
TO THE HOTEL. THIS SERVES A DUAL PURPOSE
OF BOTH GETTING OUR EQUIPMENT INSIDE,
AND IMPRESSING GUESTS, AS THEY SEE THAT THEY’RE
CURRENTLY RESIDING IN THE HOTEL WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT
OF BEDBUGS. – WITH THE LEAST BEDBUGS?
– YEAH. – SO IT’S A POSSIBILITY
OF SOME BEING THERE. – WE’RE JUST DELIVERING
THE AWARD, WE DON’T KNOW.
– OH, OKAY. – THEN, WE MAKE OUR WAY
INTO THE PRIVATE BACK OFFICES WHERE WE CAN SAFELY REMOVE
ALL OUR GEAR WITHOUT ANYONE SEEING. ONCE THAT’S DONE,
WE CONVERT OUR AWARDS TABLE INTO A CUSTOM-DESIGNED
MAID CART, AND I CHANGE MY OUTFIT
TO LOOK NATURAL PUSHING IT. THE HOLLOWED-OUT INTERIOR
THEN ALLOWS JAVIER TO TRAVEL FROM ROOM TO ROOM
WITHOUT DRAWING ANY SUSPICION FROM HOTEL GUESTS. [beeps]
YOU OKAY IN THERE? – YEAH. – WHEN WE GET
TO AN INFESTED ROOM, THE CART BLOCKS THE DOORWAY
AND JAVIER IS ABLE TO SNEAK OUT
WITHOUT ANYONE SEEING. A QUICK HANDOFF OF THE VACUUM
THEN GETS OUR EQUIPMENT INSIDE, AND JAVIER CAN GET TO WORK SPRAYING DOWN
THE PEST-RIDDEN AREAS. ALTHOUGH WE DIDN’T
FIND ANY IN THIS HOTEL, JAVIER TOLD ME HE OFTEN
ENCOUNTERS MATTRESSES THAT GET SO INFESTED
WITH BEDBUGS THEY HAVE TO BE THROWN OUT. SO I ALSO WANTED TO SHOW
THE HOTEL MANAGER THAT WE HAD A METHOD
TO SECRETLY DISPOSE OF ONE WITHOUT GUESTS THINKING
ANYTHING FISHY WAS GOING ON, AND SINCE THE MAYFAIR CATERED
TO A LOT OF ASIAN CLIENTELE, THE PERFECT COVER
WAS OBVIOUS. IN THE GUISE
OF AN IMPROMPTU CELEBRATION, WE WERE ABLE TO TAKE
A MATTRESS STRAIGHT THROUGH THE LOBBY,
AND ONCE OUTSIDE, ALL IT TOOK WAS A QUICK
IDENTITY CHANGEOVER TO KEEP EVERYTHING
LOOKING NORMAL TO ONLOOKERS. THEN, IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE,
WE’RE GONE, WITHOUT ANYONE EVER KNOWING THE HOTEL HAD A PROBLEM
WITH PESTS. SO LATER THAT WEEK,
I WAS HOPEFUL OUR SALES VIDEO WOULD BE ENOUGH TO WIN OVER
THE MAYFAIR MANAGER, MIKE SCHOEFFIN. – UNDERNEATH THAT DRAGON
IS OUR MATTRESS THAT WAS COVERED WITH BEDBUGS,
INFESTED WITH BEDBUGS. – AND YOU CAN SEE WE’VE BEEN
DEVELOPING A NEW METHOD OF SPRAYING THE PUBLIC AREAS
USING A BLIND MAN’S CANE. SO TO GUESTS,
IT JUST LOOKS LIKE, “OH, THERE’S A BLIND MAN
STUMBLING AROUND THE LOBBY.” – RIGHT.
– SO THAT’S WHAT WE’RE ABOUT. – AND ONCE OUR SALES VIDEO
WAS DONE,

The Trans Panic Epidemic: The Daily Show

The Trans Panic Epidemic: The Daily Show


So, what is it
that scares so many people about transgender communities? And what’s it like to live
as the focus of that fear? Jessica Williams finds out. WILLIAMS:Iowa’s most famous
for its cornfields,
butter sculptures, and butter
sculptures of cornfields.
Until last summer, when
transgender woman Meagan Taylor
tried to check in to the Drury
Inn in the city of Des Moines.
We sat down with Taylor herself
for an exclusive tell-all.
I could tell when I checked in to the hotel that it was…
it was…Shh. I got this,
real Meagan Taylor.
It was July 12, 2015.You presented your I.D.
to the hotel manager.
Hi. I have a reservation.But she was onto you.Fearing for her life,
she took immediate action.
WOMAN:And that’s when the cops came
and all hell broke loose.
But let’s rewind here.What triggered the cops
to respond?
You pull out a gun,
and then the cops come
and you’re arrested? None of that happened. Well, did you pull out a knife? ♪ ♪ No.Well, did you do drugs?Nothing of the sort. Well, then why the hell
were you arrested? Um, I got arrested because
I was a black transgender woman.Specifically, cops held her
because she didn’t have
a prescription
for her hormone pills.
And this is 2016.What were you doing in Iowa? I was there going to a funeral. -You were there for a funeral?
-Yeah. And did you get to attend
the funeral, -at least? -I didn’t get
to make the funeral at all. How long were you in jail for? I was in jail for eight days. I’m sorry. I… It’s terrible. Take your time.Ugh, I thought it was tough
being a black woman.
But compared
to a black transgender woman,
I might as well be
a white frat dude
at a Dave Matthews concert.Transgender women get arrested
all the time, especially
black transgender women, just by walking down the street
or anything.And by anything,
she means literally anything.
Because of discrimination
and profiling,
at least 47%
of black trans people
will have at some point in
their lives been incarcerated.
Let’s underline, bold, and set
fire to that
(bleep)graphic,because it’s 47%.You think there’d be laws
to correct this.
But instead, this year alone,state legislatures
have introduced
175 anti-trans bills.Many make it legal
to discriminate based solely
on religious beliefs.And then you have
these bathroom bills.
REPORTER:It would fine
and imprison transgender people
who use public restrooms
that don’t match
the gender
on their birth certificate. WILLIAMS:That’s what’s really
triggering this trans panic.
Just listen
to Colorado representative
and Elmer Fudd look-alike
Gordon Klingenschmitt.
Should we fear
the transgender community? Well, they not only want
to be confused about their own identity, but they want the rest of us
to be confused with them. Now they want the government
to join them in that pretense. -They’re making us into liars.
-Wow.Okay. I met
with these so-called liars
to find out
what their evil intentions are.
There’s a notion that
trans people are perpetrators in some way, that we’re sneaking
and trying to trick you for the purposes
of having sex with you. And that’s not the case at all. People just want
to see male and female, like it has to fit in one
of those two boxes, and if it doesn’t,
it makes people uncomfortable. -And it’s surely not a choice.
-That’s all you need to know.Well, not according
to Klingenschmitt, who thinks
that we’re all going to
get attacked in the bathroom.
A man can go into a ladies’ room and assault you
and your little girl.Especially in
our most important bathrooms.
Next time, ladies,
you go out to Olive Garden, watch out who’s gonna be
in the bathroom. There’s no reported incidences
of any trans person ever raping or assaulting anyone
in any bathroom ever. If anything, trans people
are the ones getting assaulted.These people are up against
some bull(bleep).
There must be some small way
I can help them out.
Give me some offensive comments
or questions, and I’ll give you
some good answers that you can use
in your day-to-day life. Why are your feet so small? Oh. You think my feet are small? -You have a (bleep).
-Wow. Whew! Okay, that’s guns a-blazing
on that question. Um, I don’t currently
have a (bleep), so… -How much?
-How much for…? -Sex.
-Oh, (bleep). Uh… -How do you have sex? -So,
are your parents ashamed of you? -What’s the gender mark on your
ID? -When do you tell them that -you’re really a man?
-I don’t know. When it’s appropriate? Do you have cadaver tits? -Don’t tell me what that is.
-What’s your real name? -Yeah. I just want to know.
-Yeah. What’s your name? -Tell us.
-Did you chop it off? Do straight women date you, -or gay women?
-How much would it cost? -(overlapping chatter)
-Do you like to suck (bleep)? -(overlapping chatter)
-What’s your real name? WILLIAMS:The transgender
community is more oppressed
than I could have ever
imagined,
so why does Gordon feel
so threatened?
Have you ever been attacked
by a transgender person? Is that why this is happening? No. Have you ever had a traumatic
experience with a trans person? I wouldn’t call it
traumatic, no. I-I… -Devastating?
-Yeah. No. You haven’t?So why does he feel this way?Dressing like a woman,
and he’s not a woman. WILLIAMS:Wait a second.
This guy’s a preacher, too?
And he thinks what?It’s not just
a psychological disorder. It’s actually a demonic spirit. WILLIAMS:
Okay, so now they’re possessed?
Go on.I would be comfortable talking
about religious freedom, but I’d have to change
into my alter ego if you’re okay with that. You have to change
into your alter ego? Who are you, Lady Gaga?
Go on ahead and change.Okay, hold up.
Is everybody seeing this?
I am actually waiting
for this man to transition
so that he can feel
more comfortable
during our interview.Oh, and also, hey, heads up.I am not judging him
for his personal choice.
Until he took out his phoneto judge others
for their personal choices.
And Deuteronomy 22:5 says, “A woman must not wear
men’s clothing, “nor a man wear women’s clothing for the Lord your God detests
anyone who does this.” I don’t remember that part, -but there is a part
about shellfish… -Mm-hmm. -…or stoning people to death.
-Mm-hmm. Getting tattoos. But what about their sincerely held
religious beliefs? They can go (bleep)
in their (bleep) hand, -because we have separation
of church and state. -Mm. Because we believe
in our constitution. WILLIAMS:Nevertheless,
these bathroom bills
are being passed,and Gordon is doing everything
he can to make it happen.
Get used to the idea of having your women
and children share bathrooms with cross-dressing men who are going to expose
themselves to you. Do you, for whatever reason, associate being transgender
with being a pervert? I mean, that is perversion. It’s people who label themselves as transgender for the purpose
of getting that access to violate the rights of others. Is it fair to say
that because you’re a priest that you’re a pedophile? Well, of course not. Why is it, “of course not.”?
Why? Because some people
are criminals, and some people
are not criminals. Could you take that logic and apply that
to the transgender community? They’re apples and oranges.
I think… By apples and oranges,
do you mean apples and apples?Unfortunately, a lot of people
think like Gordon.
So how can we end
this transphobic epidemic?
Hopefully, they can understand
that we are striving towards becoming a more
authentic version of ourselves, after a lot of soul-searching
and a lot of thought, and sometimes a lot of trauma
and tragedy. Passing these bills is
absolutely going to just add fuel to the fire
and ignite trans panic.Trans panic, panic, panic.WILLIAMS:They’ve existed
since the beginning of time.
They are not
who people think they are.
Girl, you know
we need to elevate that leg. WILLIAMS:
They come out at night.
-Stop! No!-Or during the day
depending on their schedule.
You forgot your hat. WILLIAMS:
They have an appetite.
When they’re hungry.You’re really gonna love
this salad! WILLIAMS:
This summer, get ready for…
the most boring movie everwhere transgender people
cause… transpanic!
(yelling) Lights went out again. WILLIAMS:Even though they’re
just like the rest of us.
What else is on Netflix?

The Nightly Show – Super Depressing Deep Dive – Opioid Epidemic in America

The Nightly Show – Super Depressing Deep Dive – Opioid Epidemic in America


Now, a lot of people
have told me that they’re depressed
about our show getting canceled, so we thought
we’d cover a subject that will make you even more
depressed– the opioid epidemic. That’s right. It’s time
for our lastNightly ShowSuper Depressing Deep Dive.
Take a look. ♪ ♪ MALE NARRATOR:Hi.
Hey, you good? Not for long.
Welcome
to another
Nightly ShowSuper Depressing Deep Dive.Everyone’s talking about them.One of the greatest public
health crises of our time, the opioid epidemic. MAN:
An epidemic of drug abuse.
We are seeing more people killed because of opioid overdose
than traffic accidents. (tires squealing, static) NARRATOR:
So how did this happen?
It starts with pain.-(groaning)-People hate pain,
mainly because it’s painful,
and opioids take that pain
and turn it into…
♪ Magic body warmth! ♪Opioids are any opium-like
compound, like morphine,
invented in 1827
and advertised to children.
Yes, that baby won’t cry.Well, until you take away
its sweet, sweet morphine.
(crying)In 1898, Bayer triedto make a less-addictive
morphine called… heroin.
♪ Heroin! ♪Now, selling legal heroin
may sound crazy,
but this is during the timewhen you could get cocaine in
Coca-Cola, and doctors thought
your skull shape determined
how smart you were.
Phrenology.In the 1970s and ’80s,
most doctors avoided opioids
as long-term pain reliefbecause
of the whole addiction thing.
But in 1995,
Purdue Pharmaceuticals–
sadly not a branch
of Perdue Chicken–
marketed the safest opioid
of all.
♪ Oxycontin! Oxycontin! ♪And everyone was happy
and pain-free forever. The end.
JK. Pain is life.
It will never go away.
-Like U2 and Guy Fieri.
-(boy shouts)And hey, it turns out Oxycontin
is crazy addictive,
but to make it seem
mega-awesome, Purdue handed out
branded promotional items,
like fishing hats and CDs.
Yes, that’s the title.
It isn’t even clever,
like Oxycontin-Eyed Joe!There were also plush toys,which we couldn’t
find images of,
so we assume
they look like this.
TOY BEAR:
Hug me. I can’t feel pain. (winding down):
I’m a bear…And to help ease
everyone’s fear of addiction,
Purdue created videos
with super trustworthy dudes.
They don’t wear out.
They go on working. They do not have
serious medical side effects.Thank you kindly,
doctor-type guy
who was totally not paid
to say that.
I bet he was paid to say that.A year later,
opioid prescriptions
jumped by $11 million.Those are some Viagra-level
numbers, but without the ads
that make you think
of your parents doing it.
Sales of Oxycontin went
from $44 million in 1996…
MAN:
Triple-decker yacht money!…to $1.5 billion in 2002.MEN:
Ya-Ya-Yacht jet!By 2012, doctors wrote more
than 259 million prescriptions
for opioids–
enough to give a bottle
to every adult in America.You don’t have to be
a chicken scientist
to know that when
everyone’s got opioids,
opioid overdoses
are going to skyrocket.
More than 165,000 people
have died of causes
related to painkiller use
since 1999,
including the men who love
to party like it’s 1999.
NEWSWOMAN:Tests show
the music icon Prince
died of an opioid overdose.NARRATOR:That’s right, those
greedy drug company bastards
mother(bleep) killed…Mother(bleep) Prince. Jesus (bleeping)… (man grunting à la Prince)Or… maybe the drug companies
didn’t know.
Maybe they were innocent pawnsin this game of chance
we call life.
I’m just playing.
Of course they knew.
TheL.A. Timesreported
that Purdue marketed Oxycontin
as a 12-hour drug
when they knew
it often only worked for eight,
leading patients
to experience withdrawal
and want higher,
more dangerous doses–
which means we were lied to
by kindly
CD-hat doctor-type guy.
They do not have
serious medical side effects.What the (bleep), dude?
They hid the evidence
of illegal Oxy rings,
and in 2007,
they lost
a $635 million lawsuit
and three executives pleaded
guilty in misbranding the drug
and downplaying
the risk of addiction.
Even Big Tobacco was like,
“Damn, you guys are scumbags.”
That lawsuit
was known years ago,
but we’re only addressing
this crisis now. Why?
For the first time
in any first-world country, the death rate for white, middle-aged people
is on the rise.Yep, opioids became
a national epidemic
-because it became a…
-♪ White people problem ♪ ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba. ♪Hashtag it.
Now hospitals and doctors
feel super bad
about hurting white people,
so they’re cracking down
on overprescribing and abuse.
So… is it all better?-(children cheer)
-Yeah. Wait.
No. Because when addicts
stop getting opioids,
they turn
to the next best thing.
♪ Heroin… ♪That’s right,
our old friend heroin is back.
It’s like opioid fast food–cheap, easy,
and it’s colorful mascots
will haunt your nightmares
for eternity.
So now there’s a new
white people problem.
The Nantucket Polo Club
is full of heroin addicts.
(horses neighing)And if that wasn’t fun enough,
Big Pharma still makes billions
off our pain
by selling opioids,
and we still don’t have
an effective,
non-addictive
chronic pain medication.
Now we just have heroin
killing more people than ever.
Depressed? Good.Then my job here is done.This has been
another
Nightly Show

Key & Peele – Alien Imposters

Key & Peele – Alien Imposters


[spaceship engines roar] – WAIT, WAIT. WE GOT TO BE CAREFUL HERE. THIS PLACE IS CRAWLING
WITH THEM. WHAT WAS THAT?
– WHAT? – COVER ME. – GUYS! HEY, GUYS! HEY, GUYS.
OH, THANK GOD. HEY, WE STARTED
A COMMUNITY OF SURVIVORS. Y’ALL COME LIVE WITH US. – WAIT.
HOW DID YOU KNOW? – COME ON. REDNECK WANTS US TO MOVE
INTO HIS COMMUNITY? US?
LET’S GO. – GUYS, OVER HERE! OH, THANK GOD THERE ARE OTHERS! – WOULD YOU LET
ME DATE YOUR DAUGHTER? – OF COURSE! – OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. AAH!
PLEASE DON’T HURT ME! MY BEST FRIEND IS BLACK
AND I LOVE JAY-Z, AND MY FAVORITE MOVIE
ISTHINK LIKE A MAN.– SHE’S GOOD.
– COME WITH US. – OKAY.
– STAY CLOSE. – OKAY.
– WHAT’S YOUR NAME? – EMILY.
both: OF COURSE IT IS. [tense dubstep music] ♪ – HEY, HEY, HEY!
DON’T SHOOT! DON’T SHOOT! – WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THE POLICE? – WELL,
I LOVE THEIR THIRD ALBUM. – AAH! AAH!
[stammers] I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY! NO MONEY! [screaming] [continues screaming] – OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. THANK GOD YOU GUYS SHOWED UP. I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. IT’S A SILVER LEXUS. JUST PULL IT RIGHT UP FRONT, AND DON’T SCUFF THE PAINT,
ALL RIGHT? I JUST HAD IT BUFFED. – WAS HE AN ALIEN, TOO? – YEP.